Chaos.

I really can’t think of another word that adequately describes my life of late. I’m still looking for a dayjob, something to pay the bills and give structure to my days. I am now looking for a new place to live. I’m counting out pennies to make sure I can eat, my partner can eat, my cats can eat, my car has gas, and my ORCA card is active so I can get downtown. And on top of all of that, I’m needing to stay on top of my writing, my gaming, and taking care of myself in such a way that I don’t go completely off the rails.

This is why I don’t do well in start-ups. It’s why I’ve never gotten a business of my own off of the ground. Chaos of this nature – persistent, pervasive, day-to-day uncertainty – doesn’t jive well with me. Running a show or helping with an event is fine. Short bursts of chaos I can help manage is very much in my wheelhouse. But not knowing where my next client, article, or meal is coming from? It’s hard for me not to panic in those circumstances.

Other people thrive in those environments. I’ve seen it. I’ve sat with people who revel in the uncertainty. They’ve asked me hard questions about what I want, and blinked at me when I’ve struggled to keep up with them. I’m just not wired the same way they are, I guess.

I’ve had difficulty imposing my own structure upon myself due to a lack of stability and income. It’s hard for me to put mental cycles towards the creation of a schedule when I don’t know where my next meal or fuel refill is coming from. It’s probably a failing of my own brain, and it’s something I really need to work on.

I actually miss working in an office. I miss the structure, the community, the certainty. I was comfortable at my old job back east. Sure, I made some mistakes (don’t we all?) but I worked hard to improve on my performance and contribute as much as I could to the workplace. As much as I needed to move away from software development, since my strengths lie elsewhere, I’d like to think I made a difference. It’s a difference I’d like to make again, for a new firm, a new group of co-workers, a new office.

I’m writing this from the home I’ll be leaving in less than a month. Hopefully, I can keep going downtown to write at the Library, as I have no distractions there to keep me from making words happen. And I’ll try to get back on a regular blogging schedule. Even if I have to put the post up from Starbucks. SPL’s wireless can be spotty, and as much as I might get dirty looks from certain parties, Starbucks’ signal hasn’t let me down yet.

And their tea lemonade mixes are astounding, as well as not terribly expensive.

…

What? Hydration is important.