Category: Current Events (page 25 of 91)

Musings on the Past

In lieu of Flash Fiction, I thought I’d reflect a bit on how I got where I am, aimed at where I’m going. The road hasn’t been straight, or even, or anything I could have predicted.

But I’m here, now. And I’m not stopping.

I can’t say I’m happy with every decision I’ve made. A lot of people will tell you “live life with no regrets.” It’s easy to say. It’s harder to do.

All of those decisions have lead to today, to who I am now. And I seem decent enough. I try to be. I can’t say I’m always right, nor am I proud of how I’ve always behaved. I’ve fucked up. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve stumbled.

I’ve hurt people.

That stings more than anything. My philosophy isn’t complex. This is a beautiful world, be it created by intelligence or the random confluence of cosmic forces, and it is worth celebrating. I happen to believe the former, for a lot of reasons, but I won’t begrudge someone who argues the opposite. I don’t see the point in trying to force what I believe on others. In fact, it seems selfish and cruel to do that. And no matter what I do or say, I do my utmost to never be cruel.

I fail in that, though. Not all the time, but often enough that it bothers me. I’ve lost acquaintances, friends, people close to me, because I have lashed out in times of weakness and confusion. Corner me emotionally and I become feral. I don’t mean to. And it frightens me. It’s terrifying any time my words come out faster than I can think them. The terror runs away with me, does everything it can to make the pain stop, and I’m left quivering in the aftermath, gripped by fear and doubt and sorrow and loneliness.

I try to avoid getting in that position. And if anything fills me with regret, it’s getting pushed into it. It can be hard to live with me, even talk to me at those times. But thankfully, those times are becoming more and more rare, as I continue to learn about the interior of my headspace and what makes the flawed machinery inside of me tick.

I’m a work in progress. We’re all works in progress. And the key word there is ‘work’.

This is the next step in that work. I’m breaking out. I’m trying something completely new and different. I’m aiming myself in a direction with which I’m not entirely familiar and pushing myself out of the door. Change isn’t going to happen on its own or due to divine intervention or as the result of some cosmic convergence. I have to be the vector of change in my own life. Whatever that might mean.

All I know is, I can’t move towards the past.

I try to take the lessons learned from it and move forward. But to be shackled by nostalgia, the might-have-beens and almost-but-never-was thoughts that can plague the addled mind? That won’t help me. That’s not progress. I am not the man I was ten or even five years ago. Nor do I want to be. The man I am now, today, and the man I would like to be tomorrow, those are my aim.

I haven’t always gotten in right, in the past. And I’m deeply sorry for those I’ve hurt there. There’s no way I can apologize to everyone, but I will make the effort if asked of me. Words can only do so much, but they’re available if necessary. I’m good with words, at least.

My path is forward. It’s picking up speed. And the threshold to the next unknown portion of that path is rapidly approaching.

Let’s see where this road takes me.

500 Words on America

Courtesy Betsy Ross

This year, July the 4th happens to fall on a Friday. In previous years, I’ve written and reposted a rather long list of observations I’ve made as an American, from the inside looking out, about this country. Unfortunately, I can’t say things have changed all that much.

Don’t misunderstand – progress has been made. More states within the nation recognize same-sex marriage, health care is available to every citizen, and steps have been taken to ease the burden of debt on students. But we’re still deeply involved in the business of other countries in a military way. Our legislature remains obstinate and the highest court in the country has made several significant rulings that perpetuate the status quo that supports big business and gender inequality.

I still prefer to call this holiday by it’s official name: “Independence Day.” Even so, I know it rings a bit hollow. As much as Americans fought for their independence, they have also taken independence away from others. American pundits will crow about freedom while minorities continue to struggle to get what the majority enjoys. To say my feelings about the country of my birth are mixed would be a massive understatement.

I’ve tried to avoid being overly political in this particular space. This is more a venue for my creative outlet and promoting my work than it is for soapbox grandstanding. However, I can’t deny that I find some of the hypocrisy that seems endemic to the American experience absolutely outrageous.

I’m starting to sound like an old man, sitting on my porch in a rocking chair and shaking my cane at all these young upstarts who don’t know the right way to live. The truth is, though, that it’s the old men I’m angriest at. I simply don’t understand why people cannot be allowed to enjoy the same sorts of benefits of citizenship, regardless of how they were born. America was once called ‘the land of opportunity’. Anybody, regardless of how they were born, could achieve just about anything. That was the American Dream. Maybe it still is for some, but for others, it’s as far away from them as we are from the stars in the night sky.

Bah! Don’t listen to me. This is supposed to be a day of celebration and revelry, and here I am bringing everybody down. I’m sure plenty of folks look around America and see nothing wrong. I’m sorry I can’t be one of them. I can’t just sit back and enjoy the holiday. I know there are people less fortunate than me within these borders with even less reason to celebrate than me. And they should be able to. We all should be able to. If America is the land of the free, then all of us should be free.

And not just free to buy another Big Mac while Fox News plays on flatscreens.

Free to be who we are, to follow our dreams, and make a difference.

That, to me, is what independence means.

Macabre Moisture

Courtesy buyisa.wordpress.com

“Moist”. It’s not a terribly good word. It’s one of those words that sounds like it feels – uncomfortable, even downright icky. Yet with the weather the way it has been, it’s one of the few words that adequately describes the outdoor conditions in much of the US. “Muggy” also works.

It’s probably my least favorite kind of weather. Lethargy sets in. Energy drops. Just walking out of your front door is a chore because it feels like you’re pushing through a gelatinous cube of warm, sticky, unappealing suck. Unless there’s loot in that there cube, I’ll stay indoors, thank you very much.

Not much else to say other than things are still in motion and I’m trying to adjust my diet and my sleep schedule and enough with this gorram heat already.

No Guilty Pleasures

Courtesy Hasbro

I’m making plans to go see Transformers: Age of Extinction later this week. Possibly on that most American of holidays, Independence Day. What better way to celebrate the birth of a nation and honor the sacrifices made by those fighting for its autonomy than a big-budget action movie filled with Americana iconography and military/weapon fetishism? I’m someone who tries to see media in general, and movies and games in particular, from a more critical standpoint, adding my voice to those attempting to discern good qualities from bad and directing the spending of those willing to listen.

Admittedly, however, there is a part of me that will always love the Transformers, no matter what Michael Bay does to them.

And that’s okay.

I’m honestly getting more and more disillusioned with the notion of the ‘guilty pleasure’. There’s an idea in our culture that there are certain things that we are not allowed to enjoy, or at least not allowed to admit we enjoy. We should hate ourselves for eating food we know is bad for us. Entertainment that goes for cheap thrills or laughs should be put down. And if you admit to enjoying sex, slut-shaming will fall on you by the bucketfuls. I mean, it should fall on everyone in this culture, but I think we all know women get it a lot more than men do because the patriarchy is, in fact, an extant and present danger to progress and free thought.

Let me wrestle this thing back onto my point. My point is that, as long as one is being safe and smart in their choices, no pleasure should be labeled as guilty. Sure, if you eat nothing but fast food all the time you’re going to have health problems, but that isn’t to say you should never eat any fast food ever. There are those who make that choice, and they’re healthy people I admire. I may even join them someday. But on occasion, I will get a hankering that can only be satisfied with a late night Taco Bell indulgence.

Basically, if no actual harm is occurring, and things are being taken in moderation (including moderation, as St. Augustine would say), it’s difficult for me to really describe any pleasure we take from life as “guilty”. After all, life is long and difficult, and moments of true pleasure, joy, and release can be hard to come by in our daily struggle to keep ourselves and our dreams alive. Why make things even more complex and potentially hurtful for ourselves or others by leveling judgement on what we enjoy?

Sure, some things can be objectively bad or wrong with what we like. We can acknowledge that red meat is bad for us. It’s easy to see the flaws in a movie that’s not up to standards. Hell, I love Flash Gordon even though I know some of its effects are cheap even by the standards of the day and a good few story points make zero sense. But I love it in spite of those flaws. I enjoy the hell out of the time I spend laughing at the antics or belting out Queen lyrics. It’s just fun. It’s a pleasure. And I don’t feel guilty about it.

I don’t think you should feel guilty about your pleasures, either.

500 Words on Momentum

Courtesy allthingshealing.com

With everything that’s been happening, I am more and more aware that it can be extremely difficult to maintain a consistent pace. From running to writing to preparing for life’s next adventure, things seem to be happening in short, irregular bursts, rather than unfolding according to any sort of plan. I keep telling myself that I’m going to do X, or set things up for Y, or be more vigilant regarding Z, but more often than not, I’m just satisfied in getting home and being free from responsibility for at least a couple hours.

A big part of it is, I believe, momentum. Last year at this time, I was working out regularly, pretty much every day, and pushing myself to write more. I’m not sure where all of that energy went, or if it never left and I simply lost my pace of the long, cold winter and the rough road I’ve been on over the last few months. It can be hard to start certain things, like an exercise regimen or an intense artistic endeavor, but I’ve found that once you do get started, it can be equally hard to stop.

There are a lot of things you can do to jump-start your endeavors. An adjustment in sleep or diet can be a good place to start, as can changing your surroundings. Leave what’s holding you back behind, at least for the time being, and let one of your new ideas have some time in the spotlight. You really don’t know how something is going to turn out until you try it, after all, so even if a new project goes nowhere, if it leads to you coming back to something you were struggling with stronger than ever, it will not have been a waste of time.

In fact, time you spend trying to regain momentum is not a waste, either. I’ve never been mountain climbing, but I imagine the same applies. The first few steps up a mountainside are not a waste of time, no matter how deliberate you make your pace to prepare yourself for the climb, take in the scenery, snap photos, or take another inventory. When you’re preparing to run, you may spend time making sure your water, your music, your shoes, everything is in order. Again, not a waste of time. It helps organize your mind to deal with what’s ahead. And it’s likely to make the event even more rewarding.

This is a case of saying it to myself as much as to anyone reading: Don’t give up. Keep trying. Continue to push forward. Even if you’ve stumbled, tripped, or slowed to catch your breath, the race is not over. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. If you’ve lost your pace, don’t worry. You can get it back. Just keep breathing and measure your steps. Before you know it, you’ll be beating your old times and on the road to victory. You just have to want it. You can do it!

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