Netflix – Page 12 – Blue Ink Alchemy

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IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! Machete

{No audio this week. We apologize for the inconvenience.}

Like many movie-goers, my first taste of Robert Rodriguez came in the form of Desperado. I wasn’t plugged into the indy film scene when I was a lad so El Mariachi kind of passed me by. The follow-up, however, grabbed me by the collar, fed me a shot of tequila and kicked me square in the ass, and I liked it. Now while I was blown away by the action, to say nothing of the always-appealing Salma Hayek, one of the things that stuck out in my mind was the silent knife-throwing assassin sent by the absentee drug lords. He was played by an absolute mountain of a Mexican, a man they call Danny Trejo. He’s been in character roles since then, but here we have his first starring role: Machete.

Think of Machete as a Mexican ‘Dirty Harry’. A dedicated supercop (that’s ‘Federale’ south of the border) who runs afoul of a drug lord and pays the price in family, Machete is forced to leave his country and heads into America. Down on his luck and working as an illegal day laborer like many of his unfortunate countrymen in Texas, he is offered a shady deal by a shady businessman. There’s a certain State Senator with a very hard stance against immigrant workers, and Machete is offered a large sum of money to kill the guy. Machete reluctantly accepts, but discovers too late that it’s a set-up. This betrayal and subsequent surge in the senator’s polls spells doom for Mexicans looking for a better life in America, unless Machete can focus his quest for heroic vengeance into the sort of inspirational spark that kindles the fires of revolution.

If this seems a little over the top or gratuitous in either message or execution, you win an award for spotting the bleeding obvious. Machete began as a gag trailer in the Rodriguez-Tarantino tag-team project Grindhouse, which has also spawned Hobo With A Shotgun and Werewolf Women of the SS. A tounge-in-cheek send-up of old-school schlock cinema with exploitative roles and themes aimed at the nigh-forgotten X rating, films like this in our day and age tend to get slapped with the ‘post-modern deconstruction’ label. And to an extent, that’s true here. There’s stunt casting, gratuity in terms of both sex and violence, and some very intentional tongue in cheek moments. That doesn’t make the underlying theme of Machete any less obvious or any less sincere.

“I got my green card right here, pendejo.”

It’s clear that the makers of Machete have little love for the American policy regarding immigration in its current state. Considering it can take someone pursuing a legitimate means to reside and work in the United States years of bureaucratic runaround and thousands of dollars in government fees, it’s no wonder there are people looking to cut corners and hop through loopholes. Rather than streamline the process to get these folks into the workforce in a legal way more quickly, many Americans prefer to lock down the borders entirely as if every single person crossing it is a member of that rather vocal minority of people who think blowing something up is a great way to promote the peaceful teachings of their prophet. The people caught in the middle with no means to support themselves and no recourse against the frustrating and obfuscatory ways and means of the government have done quite a bit to make things right, but they’ve never risen up in arms quite the way they do in Machete.

Racism has been tackled in many films before this one, from the dead serious dramatic portrayal in In the Heat of the Night to the side-splitting comedy of Blazing Saddles. While Machete‘s action and situations may be a bit too contrived to take seriously, its thematic material is just as sincere here as it is when it comes to immigration. It really is like taking a big, deep drink of something alcoholic to put you in a euphoric state of mind right before you get into a fight. It’s violent, painful and extremely real, but you’re laughing your way through it because of how the events are framed. Despite the toungue in cheek nature of its larger than life characters’ delivery, there are really people like this in America and they really are this ignorant, manipulative, power-hungry and indecent. And Machete killing his way throuugh their ranks is every bit as cathartic as the actions of the Punisher or the Boondock Saints.

All this and brains, too.

Normally I’d harp on a movie using contrivance or spectacle for its own sake, but the truth is a good movie that includes such things make them part of the point. While being hilariously over the top is par for the course when it comes to grindhouse fodder, Rodriguiez cannily uses these familiar, schlocky tropes the same way a stage magician uses pyrotechnics or a scantily-clad assistant. It’s all about distraction. You might not have realized it the first time you saw Machete, but while you were seeing Danny Trejo slice and dice his way through the bad guys, he was also delivering a B-52’s worth of dropped anvils regarding the shoddy state of the immigration issue in the US. As they say on that infamous page, though, some anvils need to be dropped.

I’m going to get off of my soapbox, now, and tell you that beyond this possibly overblown interpretation of the events of Machete, it’s still a movie that’s plenty entertaining in its own right. Like Desperado, From Dusk ‘Til Dawn and Sin City, Rodriguez tempers the breakneck pace of his shooting and cutting with funny character beats and smoldering sex appeal, this time around by Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez and a surprisingly effective self-parody from Linsday Lohan. You get your recommended dose of Cheech Marin, Robert DeNiro’s just having a ball, Jeff Fahey nibbles on some scenery in a way you can’t help but appreciate, and Steven Segal… well, you can’t win ’em all. There a misstep here or there, the occasional stumble that never brings the production to a screeching halt, but that is actually part of the appeal of Robert Rodriguez, in this reviewer’s humble opinion. He isn’t afraid to run with something that might not seem 100% clean if it keeps the story and action going or speeds us along to the next good-looking dame. If you saw Grindhouse or caught sight of Machete’s special Cinco de Mayo message for Arizona on YouTube, and cracked a smile at the scenario or narration, definitely queue this one up. That’s pretty much what got me to see it – that image of Danny Trejo, airborne on a motorcycle with a mounted gatling gun, while a deep, extremely sincere voice intoned: MACHETE. RATED X.

“Look at those bite marks on the scenery! Who in tarnation’s gonna clean that up?”

Yeah. Definitely not for the kids. But if you’re a fan of action, hot girls or criticisms of the United States government in the form of guns, blades and disembowlings? Machete‘s for you.

Josh Loomis can’t always make it to the local megaplex, and thus must turn to alternative forms of cinematic entertainment. There might not be overpriced soda pop & over-buttered popcorn, and it’s unclear if this week’s film came in the mail or was delivered via the dark & mysterious tubes of the Internet. Only one thing is certain… IT CAME FROM NETFLIX.

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! The A-Team

February 11, 2011 / BlueInkAlchemist / 0 Comments

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10 years ago a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from maximum security stockades. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire… The A-Team.

‘Keep it simple’. It’s a cardinal rule of most creative productions, and the 2009 big-screen adaptation of this 80s television staple is no exception. The basis, stated plainly in the show’s opening narration, remains completely intact. You have four paramilitary guys who are very, very good at what they do, using brains as well as brawn to pull off daring plans and always ending up on the wrong side of the establishment. However, the TV show never really went in-depth as to how these men met and learned to trust one another so completely, hence Joe Carnahan’s take on the A-Team.

Liam Neeson steps into the role of Colonel Hannibal Smith. We’ve seen him play both a mentor and a badass, and this role has him undertaking elements of both, but it also shows him truly enjoying what he does. Hannibal’s a guy who loves getting one over on the competition, being at least three steps ahead of his enemy, always having a plan and when they come together? Man. He LOVES that. Every smile Liam cracks is infectious, and every cigar a reminder of just how iconic both the character and the actor have become.

Fresh from encounters with Mike Tyson, tigers and midget gangsters, Bradley Cooper brings us a rendition of Lt. ‘Faceman’ Peck, the team’s infiltration specialist. He doesn’t hesitate to use his looks to gain a better position with the ladies (insert waggling of eyebrows here) and he loves a good time just as much as he loves his fellow Rangers. Something touched on here is, as someone considered to be Hannibal’s number 2, he’s learning all he can from the Colonel and seeks his approval perhaps more than the others do. It’s an interesting nuance to the character that keeps him fresh.

Believe it or not, even the mohawk has a story.

While he’s no Miser T, Quinton “Rampage’ Jackson steps out of the Octagon and directly into the mohawk and fists of Corporal B.A. Baracus. Gearhead, bruiser and sucker for a coconut curry tapenade, B.A. is also fleshed out beyond ‘pitying da foo”. Oh, he kicks quite a bit of ass, but he also inhabits what could have been a straightforward driving brick of a character with some legitimate pathos. While his neuroses are played for laughs more often than not, it’s nice to see a burly young man express emotions other than anger, lechery and/or stoic emotional distance in a modern action flick.

Last but by no means least, ascended fanboy Sharlto Copley of District 9 fame reminds us why Captain Murdock is called “Howling Mad.” Of course, the ‘howling’ might also describe the audience reaction to some of his antics. A daring, brilliant and fearless pilot, H.M. is also completely batshit insane. Or is he? There are moments in the movie when he shows an almost frightening amount of clarity and lucidity. While his bonkers behavior’s a riot, we also see a man who just might be pulling a fast one on everybody around him, even those he considers brothers. He rounds out the ensemble excellently and the team as a whole is a delight to see in action.

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, your nuclear steaks will be delivered just as soon as they’re done on the wing, which by the way is kind of on fire right now.“

You might have noticed I haven’t said much about the plot of the A-Team. Well, other than updating the origins of the team to Iraq and involving shady CIA agents and Blackwater-style PMCs, there’s not a whole lot here in terms of plot. The A-Team isn’t interested in weaving deeply intricate strains of narrative into a broader message about brotherhood, military interventionism or anything like that. It is, however, looking to take both its cast and its audience on a wild ride. It also maintains that a wild ride need not be a stupid one.

In reality, we know that even the lowest-tier police officer needs to fill out mountains of paperwork when he or she discharges a firearm while on duty. On the other end of the extreme, some action movies have the heroes blazing away at the bad guys without a second thought regarding the cost of their firepower, in collateral damage or loss of innocent life. The A-Team places itself firmly between the two extremes. Our heroes do make use of assault rifles, rocket launchers, vehicles and even construction cranes to pull off their gambits, but their goal is almost never the direct death of a foe. The TV show was almost completely bloodless, and while the movie doesn’t quite take things that far, it also doesn’t perpetuate violence for its own sake. To a man, these Rangers are trained in the judicious and intelligent use of firepower, and it’s refreshing to see this portrayal of canny and clever men of action.

Acting or not, isn’t it nice to see Liam smile like that?

In the execution of that action, the portrayal of just about all of its characters and updating a beloved 80s franchise into a viable 21st-century storytelling framework, The A-Team delivers in a very smart, very fun way. As I said, there’s not a great deal of narrative nuance here and most savvy watchers will see the big plot twist coming, but it’s forgivable in this case because these are smart, real characters thinking their way out of things just as much as they shoot their way out. It’s all wrapped up very nearly and presented with the professional aplomb and slightly crazed abandon that made Carnahan’s Smokin’ Aces such a delight. There are plenty of action flicks out there. But if you want your action delivered with brains as well as bullets, if you’re a fan of any member of this excellent cast, and if you can find it on your Netflix queue, maybe you should watch… The A-Team.

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! HALO Legends

February 4, 2011 / BlueInkAlchemist / 0 Comments

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So a few years ago this new sci-fi franchise got started. It had some interesting ideas based on established literature and the first entry did a lot better than anybody could have expected. It spawned a couple of sequels that really didn’t measure up to the original but people really ate it up anyway and there were a couple of spin-off projects, too. Then, somebody got the bright idea to get Japan involved, and some of the best material ever associated with the franchise, as well as some mediocre disappointments, became collected into a series of shorts called… the Animatrix. No, wait, sorry, I meant HALO Legends.

Okay, that might be a little unfair, there are actually big differences between HALO and the Matrix. One’s a movie franchise, the other’s an X-box franchise. One’s based on shoddy poorly-written post-modern philosophy while the other cribs notes from Larry Niven and Robert Heinlein. One’s got a rabid fanbase of diehard fans who won’t brook any dissention against their beloved universe, and the other’s got a rabid fanbase of diehard fans who won’t brook any dissention against their beloved universe AND will teabag you if you don’t play the game as much as they do while calling you queer and saying how good your mom was last night. And when the collection of anime shorts was announced, one fanbase considered it a worthy addition to and refreshing change from the established material, while the other fanbase… well, let’s just say the words “RUINED FOREVER” were screamed more than once across the Interwebs. But how is the end product of HALO Legends? I’m going to go blow by blow and it might take a while, so grab a drink or other refreshment if you’d like.

Origins begins the project with a two-part history of the HALO universe narrated by Cortana, ranging from the Forerunners’ attempts to sterilize the Flood to mankind’s expansion into the stars. In another interesting parallel with the Animatrix, this is a rich, comprehensive narrative that is unapologetic in its characterization of mankind and his many follies. However, it belies the lack of this sort of substance within the game itself. It forms the spine of the games’ stories, but most people just want the meatier parts. I’ve seen at least one review of this bit saying it “needs more explosions.” Anyway, the challenge for the rest of the shorts is to take these concepts, these characters, and move in new & interesting directions.

This art really needs to be seen to be believed.

The Duel is not only interesting, it’s visually stunning; I’ve never seen anything quite like it. I’m not entirely sure how the visual effect of this short were achieved. I think the animation was CG but I can’t be sure, as the different patterns and shifting colors seem to have a life of their own. It’s like a muse blowing onto an oil painting, and the brushstrokes moving of their own accord in response. Underneath this artistic achivement is a story both lush and lurid told from the other side of the great war than engulfs the HALO universe. The Covenant always seemed more interesting than the games might have allowed them to be, but this casts them in not only a deep, nuanced light, but a very human one. It’s not easy to establish empathy for a character in so short a timespan, but The Duel does it very well, and the fact that the protagonist is a hostile alien makes the work all the more impressive.

When Homecoming began, I couldn’t help but smile not only when the SPARTAN not only doffed her helmet, but also at the sight of the tiny stuffed bear hanging from her armor. When you’re sauntering down one of HALO’s many metal corridors gunning down aliens, you never stop to think of the cost necessary to put a soldier like a SPARTAN there. Like The Duel, it humanizes an element that lacked that nature in the games; but in this case and by way of extension, it’s the player’s character that gets depth and emotion. While leaving the main character of a shooter an empty vessel for the player to pour themselves into makes sense, I can’t shake the feeling that just a glimmer of this sort of storytelling would elevate the games to a much higher level than the one they currently occupy. The story of HALO, Origins’ expounding notwithstanding, is a touch on the forgettable side; Homecoming is anything but.

Putting the “1337” in elite.

While those entries add some serious depth to the stories, Odd One Out takes the HALO universe in an entirely different direction. It’s just here to have some FUN with things. In this case, SPARTAN 1337, who may well be the Deadpool of this franchise, gets a powerful monster thrown at him by the Prophet of Truth, seen here as King Zarkon’s cantankerous little brother more than a diabolical yet eloquent if cryptic space-pope. (Crap, I think it’s rubbing off…) Even 1337’s astounding and manly heroism can’t beat this threat into submission alone, but thankfully he crash-landed on a planet that might be populated with characters from Dragonball. HALO’s done a lot of things, but this might be the first time the universe has made me laugh out loud in genuine humorous glee. I think it was 1337’s impressive introduction to the little kids that had me rolling; that, or the sight of his legs sticking out of the maw of a tamed T-Rex.

Prototype has some techno-geek fun with the idea of the UNSC developing a Macross or Gundam-style combat suit and unleashing it against the Covenant. The man inside the suit could have been a bit more interesting, but it’s still delivering more story and characterization than the games usually do. While it’s no Homecoming, it’s also not bad in the slightest, though it did signal a steadily declining trend in story quality as HALO Legends wore on.

As ambivelant as I felt about The Babysitter, this is still a poignant image.

The Babysitter is more typical HALO fare. It’s trying to tap that Starship Troopers/Band of Brothers vein and stabbing the wrong part of the arm a couple times before getting it right. While it’s nice to see an ODST story, if it were a touch more original it might make the Helljumpers seem like more than just a sci-fi send-up of Easy Company. Like Prototype, it isn’t necessarily bad, just nothing terribly outstanding especially when compared the earlier entries. And if you don’t see the big plot twist towards the end coming a mile away, you should read & watch more stories.

Don’t think HALO fanboys go completely unloved in Legends. Appleseed director Shinji Aramaki puts SPARTAN 117 through his paces in The Package. Once again, this bit can’t objectively be called bad, as there are no technical issues to speak of and it looks somewhat impressive in its execution. I was reminded of the CGI used by Skywalker Studios, particularly in the opening of Episode III of Star Wars. However, let’s leave that comparison behind before I start drawing more parallels between franchise characters and get angry emails from HALO fans saying that their beloved Master Chief would never slaughter children. Well, not human children anyway. He can kill as many Covenant kids as he wants, after all they’re different from us, right?

Think about it. Master Chief could be Darth Vader without the asthma.

All in all I feel relatively the same way towards HALO Legends as I do towards the Animatrix. It’s done some of the best storytelling in the franchise and lets some of Japan’s premiere visionaries take a Western narrative concept in new directions. Unlike the Animatrix, this is front-loaded with quality entries and the original stories and fun factor slowly peter out towards the end. Which is not to say that the latter bits are unwatchable by any stretch, they just don’t do as much with this universe or its characters. By all means, if you’re interested in this franchise, some recent successful science fiction or the work of the attached anime studios, queue this up on Netflix. I have to say the two hours watching this was probably more fun for me than playing HALO for two hours. As unoriginal as some of the entries feel, at least none of them ever tried to teabag me.

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! Splice

January 28, 2011 / BlueInkAlchemist / 2 Comments

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When I was growing up I would hear of stories, movies or episodes of television that were touted as ‘not for the faint of heart.’ They promised thrills and surprises aimed at an adult audience, one that could handle the nature of the material. Not that they wouldn’t have nightmares afterward, mind you, just that they could handle those nightmares. Had Splice come out in such a time, it definitely would have been called not for the faint of heart. I’d go one step further, though, and say it’s not for the slow of brain, either.

Have you ever seen scientists acting or treated like rock stars? That’s the best way to describe Clive and Elsa. Iconoclastic, brilliant and possessed of the particular kind of crazy that makes advancements in modern science possible, they’re splicing together designer organisms for the benefit of a major bio-tech firm interested in the next big pharmacuetical breakthrough. Recent success has shown them the potential of splicing human DNA into the mix to provide clues for things like curing cancer and growing organs. Their sponsors, fearing a moral backlash, put the kibosh on that idea. So Clive and Elsa do it anyway. The experiment starts going awry almost immediately, but does result in a viable organism. Her name is Dren.

If I were to give a single piece of advice when it comes to Splice, I’d say go into it without any expectations. The movie’s plot, characters and structure pull the viewer in and carry them along while teasing their mind with questions of morality and scientific advancement. It doesn’t necessary spoon-feed you answers, but it doesn’t assume you don’t know what’s going on either. It’s the kind of movie that rewards, rather than punishes, higher thought aimed in its direction. It’s one of those movies you’ll be thinking about after you see it, and any revulsion you feel will probably be aimed at the subtleties of the subject matter rather than the movie itself. This isn’t a cheap, knock-off creature feature, folks. This is thoroughly cerebral and deeply disturbing science fiction.

Something made a nummy noise, and it wasn’t Clive or Elsa.

Director Vincenzo Natali provides the movie with its very careful pace and nuanced mood. It’s clear that in telling this story, he not only wants to entertain, he wants to raise questions. And the questions end up being as shocking as the entertainment. How much is science being held back by old ideas and antique sentiments? While the motivations of Clive and Elsa’s superiors might be rooted firmly in finances, the impetus for their reluctance to back the scientists up is framed in the notion that “there would be a moral outrage.” As much as the duo extol the virtues and potential benefits of their work, it’s unfortunately true that champions of ‘decency’ and religion would be inconsolably enraged and disturbed at the very idea of using human material in designer organisms. The movie, however, never really addresses this issue and keeps its focus tightly on our pair of protagonists.

Sarah Polley and Adrien Brody play Elsa and Clive as very smart people with bright ideas and disapproving superiors, forced to go rogue and underground to make those ideas come to life. But over and above their idealism and intelligence is the fact that these are very much people, with all that entails. Sure, they’re brilliant, attractive and have great attitudes, but they’re also flawed human beings with neuroses and insecurities. A lot of movies in this vein can dial down the human element to emphasize the monstser or monsters in play, but Splice doesn’t do that. It never feels like a firm line is drawn with one side of the argument in the right while the other is wrong. It’s left up to us to decide, and at the same time, we’re presented with the question of Dren.

Beautiful and disturbing at the same time, like a lot of stuff on DeviantArt.

For all of its highbrow ideas and good characterisation, this is still essentially a monster movie, and what a monster we have! Dren’s evolution happens before our very eyes, and without speaking a word she conveys volumes of emotion and information. As she matured I was reminded of the otherworldiness of a young Milla Jovovich in the Fifth Element, with the ways Dren moves and interacts with the world around her. This feeling is deepened with the subtle blending of great acting on the part of Delphine Chaneac and CGI never overwhelms the humanity of the actors. Dren is, like her ‘parents’, a very human creature, but is also so inhuman that it’s always quite clear we’re dealing with something different, something curious and intelligent… something thoroughly dangerous.

I’ve tried my utmost to avoid spoiling anything, because Splice is a movie best served without preamble or preconception. Like I said, leave your expectations at the door when this one starts. Unlike a lot of modern movies out there, it doesn’t hesitate to engage the mind while simultaneously entertaining and occasionally horrifying the senses. It never plays its odd elements for cheap scares, and disturbs in a way that’s much more David Cronenberg’s The Fly than anything dreamt up by Wes Craven or even Stephen King. It’s a superlative piece of work, probably the best science fiction film I’ve seen since Moon, and definitely, definitely worth a place on your Netflix queue.

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! Lady Death

January 21, 2011 / BlueInkAlchemist / 1 Comment

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Not every adaptation has to be 100% accurate in its translation of the source material. I mean, honestly, how would the Lord of the Rings film trilogy had been helped by the presence of Tom Bombadil? In spite of his absence, the films are faithful to the spirit of the books, encapsulating the epic journeys of the Fellowship and the struggle to overcome the forces of evil. I bring this up because Lady Death suffers from a problem entirely different from missing a couple incidental characters. It’s missing just about everything that made the original enjoyable.

Lady Death got her start in the now-defunct CHAOS! Comics, the brainchild of Brian Pulido and the late Steven Hughes. She was initially cast merely as the eye-candy head-girlfriend of flagship character Evil Ernie, but proved popular enough that she got her own stories in the form of several mini-series and the occasional unrelated but not-unwelcome ‘swimsuit’ issue. Her story was that of a young girl named Hope who had the misfortune of being labeled a witch in Mideval Europe. Burning at the stake, she cries out to anyone or anything that can save her, and Lucifer answers. Hope has no desire to suffer in Hell has she did in life, but is told by Lucifer that she will never go free as long as living men walk the Earth. Hope’s answer is to hook up with a renegade eldritch blacksmith and vow to kill every single human being on the planet just to stick it to Lucifer. Now there’s a female empowerment story for you!

The movie takes a slightly different tack from a plot perspective. Instead of looking to get one over on Old Scratch, Hope undergoes her transformation and training for a more straight-up showdown scenario, the plan being for her to overthrow Lucifer and reign in Hell as a slightly less prickish potentate. The intent was to make Lady Death a little bit more of a ‘positive’ heroine instead of an anti-heroine. At least, that’s my understanding. While the concept alone takes away from some of the uniqueness of her character, it doesn’t dilute her symbolism. A woman consistently and thoroughly screwed over by men taking up arms to overthrow a male oppressor is still in keeping with Pulido’s original concept. While Lady Death can face challenges or even defeat, she never, ever plays the victim.

We miss you, Steve.

The same cannot be said for the rest of the source material. Pulido and Hughes were never afraid to veer into camp territory occasionally, and more than once you’ll catch Lady Death enjoying the slaughter she visits upon those in her path, sporing one of Hughes’ trademark grins. The movie’s masters, on the other hand, seem to have drained all of the life and joy out of Lady Death’s character along with her skin color. While playing her as more of the stereotypical stoic anti-hero might seem more fitting of the character by virtue of her name, both Brian Pulido and Neil Gaiman would tell you that a character named Death need not be… well, dead.

A big part of this major flaw in the movie comes from the era in which Lady Death was born. You see, in the 90s there was a trend of comic book protagonists who had some connection to the afterlife, be it J.O. Barr’s resurrected avenger The Crow or Todd MacFarlane’s anti-hero-from-Hell Spawn. While J.O. did it better than just about anybody else, there was no shortage of pretenders to this genre and the concurrent explosion of dark, edgy entertainment just about anywhere you looked. The explosion of the goth subculture seemed to have a lot of young people dressing in black and extolling the virtues of these damned heroes. Lady Death, in retrospect, seems to have had purpose that was two-fold, at least while she was under the control of CHAOS! – bring a much-needed female protagonist into this mix, and take the piss out of the genre at the same time by letting Lady Death enjoy being an infernal vixen of might and destruction. She never seems to enjoy anything she does in the movie, and the whole thing suffers as a result.

I could do better line work than this. And I suck.

It also suffers from some of the choppiest animation I have ever seen. I’ve indulged in more than my share of both anime and US-grown cartoons. ADV Films usually distributes anime, but don’t be fooled by the emblem on this thing. This is nowhere near as good as Evangelion or Berserk in terms of art or execution. The whole thing feels rushed, like it’s more the result of a high-schooler’s Lady Death fan-fiction brought to life than the concerted effort of a serious animation studio. And if it were based on a fanfic, there’d be a bit more titillation going on. A big part of Lady Death’s appeal has been her look and the way she casually flaunts her sexuality, even if the art that followed in the wake of Steve’s unfortunate passing dialed down the nihilistic glee that was just as much a part of her character as her skimpy outfits. But the lackluster nature of this animation means that there isn’t much enjoyment to be had looking at her. Add some flat voice acting, a plodding story pace and a total lack of originality to the mix and you have about a hundred minutes of completely wasted time.

Don’t take this review as a condemnation of Lady Death. On the contrary, even after a few reboots she still functions as the rare female protagonist in comic books who isn’t over-sexualized or completely undermined by the presence of males. Sure, she’s fun to look at, but her exploits are usually just as much fun to read. Seek out her books if you’d like to find out more about her, but as for the movie, skip it. Your time would be better spent finding some of that fan-fiction I mentioned. Especially if it crosses over with, say, Vampirella or something.