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IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! The Avengers

[audio:http://www.blueinkalchemy.com/uploads/avengers_98.mp3]

When Marvel Comics set out to create an uber-film bringing together Iron Man, Thor, Captain America and the Hulk (and SHOULD include the Wasp or Ms Marvel at the very least), there was something standing in their way. It was not the worried, furtive glances of fanboys or the daunting task of condensing decades of continuity into what amount to two-hour snippets. No, the problem was that another film called The Avengers already existed. Thankfully, most of the civilized world seems to have forgotten about it. I wish I could.

Based on a 60s spy-fi series of the same name coming to us from the BBC, The Avengers introduces us to John Steed, shining star amongst the good dozen or so secret agents we see in the employ of ‘The Ministry’. He is tasked with finding and questioning Dr. Emma Peel, an eminent meteorologist, on some strange goings-on in the atmosphere and the fact that she’s apparently killed someone. Mrs. Peel, since we’re not being quite so formal, is understandably curious as to how she could be in two places at once and thus joins Steed in tracking down the true mastermind behind the atmospheric shenanigans, a graduate of the Blofeld School for Evil Geniuses and recipient of the Dr. Evil Impractical Domination Plot Award, Sir August De Wynter. … No, it’s not a clever nom-de-plume.

The TV series was sadly before my time. I recall my father gushing about it from time to time, how Steed’s cool demeanor under fire lent a sort of tongue-in-cheek aspect to the action and intrigue, and Diana Rigg in a black catsuit was nothing to sneeze at. From what I understand, however, the premise of the show began somewhat grounded but eventually grew to incorporate some of the more esoteric aspects of the James Bond films while simultaneously delivering subtle parodies of eccentricities of the contemporary British lifestyle. For some reason, the writer and director of 1998’s Razzie contender seemed to be under the impression that all of this idiocy was to be played 100% straight. Maybe this confusion was caused by the apparent fact they need to share a brain.

BEEP BOOP WE ARE EMOTING – CURRENT STATE: DULL SURPRISE

‘Straight’, by the way, here has the meaning of ‘straight as a length of rebar made from indestructible space metal and about as pliable.’ The actors tasked with modernizing these icons of their age, Ralph Fiennes and Uma Thurman, seem to be so mechanical and uninvolved in their actions and delivery that I had to wonder if I was actually seeing the actors or some very advanced animatronic doubles who had been programmed to emote by mole people who’ve only seen human beings through fractures in the earth’s crust, most of them under Madame Tussaud’s. Even Sir Sean Connery isn’t having fun in this thing, and he gets to preside over a meeting of evil masterminds while dressed in a bear costume. And before you think that’s a bit odd, let me expand on the scene by saying they’re ALL in bear costumes. It’s like they decided part of their world domination plot included cosplaying as the mascots for the Grateful Dead.

As for the British influence, I think the only things the monobrained writer-director superstar tag team know about the Brits is that they drink tea and have accents. It seems that every single opportunity they get these people are having tea. Steed even has a fucking spigot in his Bently for the stuff. With cream already added. Red phone booths, double-decker buses, no anachronistic, staid and trite Britishism goes unreferenced because that’s funny, right? Oh, this isn’t a comedy? It’s a big-budget blockbuster? Well, the action is at least engaging. At least it would be if there was ever the vaguest hint of danger, suspense or even excitement projected by our cast. I know it’s a lot to expect for a movie like this to verge towards realism, but last I checked lightning striking a metal rod extended in a man’s hand did not lift him into the air as if the gods of Olympus decided they wanted to raise the villain up just to personally dismember him with their immortal nectar-stained hands. But by then I’d pretty much given up on the movie making any sense whatsoever.

Did you think I was kidding about this?

It only runs 90 minutes long but it feels a lot longer. It takes itself far too seriously to be campy and goes for too many idiotic laughs to approach the quiet desperation of truly British films like Trainspotting. Attempts at innuendo or chemistry fall flatter than the deck of an aircraft carrier and have about as much subtlety. The plot makes absolutely no sense and skips around without warning, the special effects are bland and uninspired and I couldn’t help but think you should be getting a lot more entertainment or at least some fucking fun out of Voldemort, the Bride and James Bond himself all being in a spy-fi movie together. It’s no wonder Marvel steamrolled this macaroon-smelling turd on its way to production. The Avengers from 1998 is best left forgotten. Find the TV series if you’re curious, and hopefully the movie of the same name coming out next year will be a better time at the movies overall, even if the inclusion of only one girl is a bit perplexing. The ’98 flick had a few more, including double Uma Thurmans. And if nothing else, at least Eddie Izzard got to wear some fabulous shoes. But when executive transvestite fashion’s the highest compliment you can pay the picture instead of just an amusing observation… you get the idea.

Josh Loomis can’t always make it to the local megaplex, and thus must turn to alternative forms of cinematic entertainment. There might not be overpriced soda pop & over-buttered popcorn, and it’s unclear if this week’s film came in the mail or was delivered via the dark & mysterious tubes of the Internet. Only one thing is certain… IT CAME FROM NETFLIX.

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! La Femme Nikita

November 18, 2011 / BlueInkAlchemist / 0 Comments

[No audio this week; RIP old headset. 🙁 ]

In 1990, American film audiences were clearly craving action films like Die Hard and Lethal Weapon over the ultra-macho likes of First Blood, Commando and the works of Charlie Bronson and Chuck Norris. Even in the groundbreaking days that set new standards for such entertainment, women were rarely more than plot devices that motivated our heroes. A little French film called Nikita, released in the U.S. with La Femme attached, would go about as far from the quasi-patriotic antics of the aforementioned muscle-bound men as you could get, and even today, the results are something else.

Nikita is a street tough and drug addict, and her fellow gang members break into a drug store to help her get a fix. When the cops show up, a deadly shootout ensues. Nikita basically sits it out, and when a cop approaches her, she shoots him in the head, killing him. Tried, convicted and sentenced to life in prison, Nikita is instead given an injection she’s told will be lethal. When she wakes up, she’s in an austere room and told she has a choice: she can occupy the grave that now is marked with her name, or she can submit to government training to become an assassin. She agrees to the training, and in the course of it emerges from the shell of a street tough into a new form of a beautiful, poised, polite and deadly young woman. Her training is hard, but her most difficult challenge does not emerge until long after it is complete: she meets and falls in love with a grocery store clerk who knows nothing about her past and gives her his heart without question.

There are stories that deal with the dehumanizing element of assassination, and how professionals can objectify the subjects of their work and, by extension, everyone and everything around them. La Femme Nikita goes one step further and encourages us to think of what it might take to rehumanize someone. First the grungy, caustic, drug-addled punk is transformed into a lethal killing machine in a cocktail dress and heels, and then again from there into a woman experiencing love, tenderness and trust for the first time. It’s a violent and contemporary take on Pygmalion and The Taming of the Shrew, and the roots in these classics are quite evident even as it grows beyond them.

She’ll make the bastards pay for the runs in her stockings.

Central to its success is the performance of Anne Parillaud as Nikita. The ways in which she changes with the atmosphere and motion of the film are stunning. When we first meet her, she’s so driven, withdrawn and violent that it’s hard to recognize her as anything but an belligerent urchin. Yet this same person sits in front of a mirror, being gently told what it is to be a woman, and it’s like she transforms before our very eyes. She’s poised, polite and focused instead of spastic, wild and ungrateful. And then, when she meets Marco, another change happens. She becomes vulnerable, uncertain and even a bit confused by things like earnest sweetness and unconditional love. Parillaud pulls off all of these changes with sublime grace and makes Nikita mesmerizing to watch from start to finish.

This film was one of the first by Luc Besson, the man who’d go on to give us The Professional and The Fifth Element. Even in this early work, we see him perform a great balancing act between clean, no-frills action shooting and somewhat crazy subject matter. It’s also the second time we see him working with Jean Reno, before the pair would team up for The Professional based on the character Reno plays in Nikita. Despite the occasional explosion, there’s no real sense of bombast or unnecessary melodrama here. The performances are nuanced enough to convey emotion and intent without any scenery needing to be chewed.

“I clean.”

La Femme Nikita was the first real “girl with a gun” action movie to hit the mainstream, paving the way for women to take center stage in films and series where men would usually be in the lead. The film itself spawned an inferior American remake, Point of No Return, and a couple TV series of its own. But the original stands out because of the performance of the leading lady, the aplomb of its director and the truly heartfelt way in which its story comes to be told. And, thankfully, Netflix Instant gives us the original French dialog with subtitles instead of dubbing it. I highly recommend this one.

Movie Review: Immortals

November 11, 2011 / BlueInkAlchemist / 0 Comments

Every once in a while, I’m made aware of an opportunity that makes me feel like an actual professional critic. Much like Salt, my bros of the taped glasses over at Geekadelphia hooked me up with passes to see Immortals last night before its release to the general public. Considering my tendencies towards breathing new life into old myths, I was excited. While the trailers pretty much sold the film as a re-dressed 300, I was curious to see what director Tarsem Singh Dhandwar did with some of the oldest storytelling material in the world.

Our story revolves around Theseus, humble son of a dispossessed woman in a Hellenic village by the sea where he trains as a warrior to protect her. He doesn’t have much faith in the gods, even as they look down from Olympus on mankind while under strict laws from Zeus not to directly intervene. Indirect intervention is fine, but doing too much in a godly fashion would threaten to rob humans of their free will. There is only one circumstance in which this law is to be broken: if the Titans, sworn enemies of the Olympian gods imprisoned in Tartarus, are ever released. That is the plan of Hyperion, diabolical king at the head of the vicious Heraklion army, who would see the gods slain and he as the sole ruler of humanity… but not if Theseus has anything to say about it.

Tarsem Singh Dhandwar’s first film was The Cell, a crime drama from 2000 that is remembered far more for its unique visual style than any of the story or actors involved. Many of his images, while surreal and otherworldly, were shot so cleanly and with such aplomb and definition that they could be framed and considered works of art in and of themselves. So it is with Immortals, only this time around, the works of art are in motion more often than not.

Seriously, if you were going to live forever, wouldn’t you want to look this good?

It’s the decisions the director makes that stand out in the film. For one thing, instead of the usual stable of established, operatic actors, the Olympian gods are played by beautiful young people in peak physical shape, and the gentlemen especially are dressed in minimalist costumes to show this off. This lends itself well to the depictions we see in Greek sculpture and art: bearded as they often are, the Greeks were not shy about their bodies. Nor is Immortals shy when it comes to violence, but again the director sets himself apart. It is only when we see these golden gods in action that the slow motion so familiar to fans of 300 and other movies of its ilk comes into play. Violence at the hands of humans is not dressed up in fancy camera work or tricks of post-production other than ribbons of blood and thrusting spear-points; rather, it’s presented with visceral intensity and earnestness that definitely demands attention.

As for the story itself, we have something of a mixed bag. Reinterpretations of Greek myth are certainly nothing new, and the writers of Immortals do make a few interesting decisions, such as keeping the war between the Olympian gods and the Titans on a human scale and the things done with Theseus’ battle with the “Minotaur.” And there was one bit in the plot that I honestly didn’t see coming. The script, however, is far more inconsistent than the quality of the visuals. There were a few points in the plot where I had unanswered questions or sensed a bit of a hole, while at others I felt the characters could have used less talking and more showing through action and expression. Hyperion especially stood out to me as something of a problem, despite Oscar-winner Mickey Rourke giving him an imposing physical presence.

It’s a dumb pun, but it works: Cavill looked pretty super even if his performance wasn’t.

This is not to say the acting was terrible; I’d say it was about average for material such as this. I’m not sure why Mickey Rourke spends half his time seeming so bored with the goings-on, but I’m willing to chalk that up to the script having Hyperion all but bellow “I AM A BAD GUY AND I WILL DO BAD GUY STUFF NOW”. Henry Cavill as Theseus is perfectly passable and Freida Pinto as the Oracle does all right, but I felt their little romance sub-plot was a little rushed. The Olympians, Luke Evans and Isabela Lucas in particular, brought a measure of humanity to their characters and presented their godliness with sufficient gravitas, so I guess I can’t complain too much about this part of the film. They struggle to elevate the mediocre script and never overshadow the visuals with scenery-chewing or laughable execution.

While certainly not a perfect movie, Immortals delivers an experience that’s enjoyable and engaging without feeling pandering or terribly rushed. The clean, smart direction and bold, lush visuals go a long way to get the audience past any narrative issues that crop up over the course of the film. At no point did I feel confused as to what was going on, as can be the case in some other action flicks, and it never felt like the movie was talking down to me. A little more polish on the script and more solid performances from some of the cast would have made the movie truly fantastic instead of merely impressive. But if the only real complaint I can make about Immortals is “there wasn’t enough of it”, I guess you can take that as a recommendation.

Stuff I Liked: For all the negativity out there regarding 3D, this movie did it just about perfectly. Gods played by young, beautiful people instead of well-established, older actors. No technology that felt overtly anachronistic.
Stuff I Didn’t Like: A little sloppiness in the plotting and screenwriting. Mickey Rourke looking bored more than anything else. Other actors not quite selling the melodrama. Only faltering attempts at scale in terms of size and distance. The romance sub-plot moves a bit too quickly.
Stuff I Loved: The stunning visuals, the very canny use of some of the action tropes that drew in the 300 crowd, extremely well-shot action and a Greek myth that feels as lurid, sensual and bombastic as a Greek myth should.

Bottom Line: The very clever and skilled direction of Immortals lifts it just far enough out of mediocrity for me to give it a recommendation. It won’t win any prizes or hearts for its script or acting, but its blend of unique original flair and old-school Greek mythology does delight the eyes and get the blood pumping. A solid, above-average period action flick.

Game Review: Alpha Protocol

October 18, 2011 / BlueInkAlchemist / 0 Comments

One of the things that made Wing Commander such a memorable series of video games for me, beyond the cool spaceships and neat character design, was the branching campaign. You could choose to defend a particular asset for the Confederation, or take the fight right into the Kilrathi’s furry faces; you could completely botch a mission and the game would not end; you could lose wingmen and shipmates and life would go on. It was storytelling that felt open-ended even if the plot was rattling along on rails towards the final destination. At least those rails had junction points.

Alpha Protocol brought back some of those memories, mixed in with liberal doses of Deus Ex and Mass Effect, to produce a gaming experience that, quite frankly, surprised the hell out of me.

It’s a balcony hot tub in Rome. Eat your heart out, Mr. Bond.

We’re introduced to Mike Thorton, an American international operative candidate with a shady background recruited by an organization called Alpha Protocol. The organization is a covert unit attached not to the government per se, but to one of its biggest private military contractors. Mike is dispatched on his first mission to Saudi Arabia, but before things can be properly concluded, he’s betrayed and abandoned. With few resources to begin with, Mike must travel around the world to build a case against his former employers, or at least collect enough explosive devices to make the PMC’s stockholders very nervous and very angry.

More often than not, when a game declares itself to be an “action/RPG”, what they mean is that you can customize a few of your weapons and maybe put a different hat on your self-insertion military fantasy persona. The games that continue the traditions of System Shock 2 and Deus Ex are few and far between, allowing you to make a character tailored to your particular gaming tastes not just in terms of weapon mods. Alpha Protocol may not be as deep as those others in terms of game engine, and I’m not sure shotguns needed their own category¹, but at least an effort is made to allow a player to guide Mike down a particular path, and not just through the medium of the thumbstick.

Well, I could beat it out of him with own vodka bottle… hmm.

Indeed, between the action set pieces players have opportunities to determine how the story will unfold, and without the benefit of a color-coded morality meter. Instead, Mike interacts with people through one of three attitudes, chosen on the fly: professional, aggressive and suave. They’re three distinctive flavors of one overarching attitude, however. Mike’s a bit of a jerk. I mean, sure, he’s been backstabbed by his government and the company trying to buy them², and that’s likely to make anybody a little cross. Some of his antics are excusable under that circumstance while others are inexplicable in their maliciousness or mischeviousness, outside of just being a troll. This doesn’t stop them from being hilarious, but how professional can one actually be if they’re sending emails about bovine weaponization conspiracies to trigger-happy nutcases just for a laugh?

I don’t want to give the impression that moral choices don’t exist. Most of your conversations, however, are more personal matters. The choices you makes in how you relate to certain people will raise or lower their respect for you, and consequently can either make them inclined to help you or eager to put a bullet in your skull. However, there are moments where you must make a decision, and you’re not given a lot of time to make up your mind. Brilliantly, you will not always know the full ramifications of the choice you make when you make it. Only at the very end as the news is relating stories from around the world do you realize exactly what you’ve done³. Amongst games where choices are almost always squeaky-clean white or dastardly black, Alpha Protocol paints its plotlines in shades of gray. And they’re really attractive shades.

I told him what I’d do if he crossed me. He thought I was bluffing.

When the words stop flying to make way for bullets, Alpha Protocol still does a few things quite well. Like any good game with emphasis on stealth and gathering intelligence, it gives you the option to sneak past opponents rather than shooting them in the face, even if the “takedown” option still induces wincing on the player’s part. While it’s possible to play through without making a single kill, I can’t imagine getting punched in the throat by a professional martial artist is particularly pleasant. And the mini-games you must play to hack computers, pick locks and bypass circuits do a great job balancing a limited time-frame with puzzle-solving skills, for the most part.

It’s not a game without flaws. The engine occasionally goes a bit berserk with its rag doll physics, and you’re never 100% sure the wall or prop you’ve chosen to take cover behind will (a) conceal you or (b) allow you a clear line of fire to your foes. Some of the boss fights can make life very difficult for particular character builds, and on a couple occasions I set off an alarm trying to pick a lock when I distinctly hit the button to quietly cancel the attempt. I hear there are also conversational bugs but I can’t recall running into any, so if I did they were somewhat insignificant, not unlike the others. None of the bugs or hiccups I encountered felt game-breaking, and more importantly, none of them got in the way of the story. Indeed, the story is what keeps the action moving, even when nobody’s getting shot at. Here’s a case where the strengths of the game outweigh its flaws, and while I can’t blame some hardcore shooter fans for letting those flaws keep them from checking out Alpha Protocol, enthusiasts for this style of game are sure to be pleased.

Stuff I Liked: Weapon customization is pretty cool, and having be only one aspect of character building rather than the extent of it is even better. Every safehouse is distinctive for its area which was a great touch, as were the little trophies and mementos Mike keeps. Options to decrease difficulty of missions through gathering additional intelligence felt smart. No hilariously stereotypical accents – “ZEY HAFF GIVEN ME LEMON-LIME” is a thing of the past.
Stuff I Didn’t Like: Could have consolidated SMGs, shotguns and assault rifles into one category and spread out lock-picking, hacking and electronics. Some obtuse boss fights. The occasional bug that will break a lockpick, your cover or that gas canister next to you, but thankfully not the entire game.
Stuff I Loved: Writing and voice acting well above average. A conversational system that makes sense and works well without being tied to rigid morality. A sense of purpose and weight to choices made. Satisfying stealth gameplay. More than a few laughs when Mike starts trollin’.

Bottom Line: It could be because I’m a fan of good storytelling that drives the action, or decently balanced stealth/shooting gameplay, but for me, Alpha Protocol shines. As shooter-RPGs go, it’s around the same level as the first BioShock in terms of action, definitely inspired by the aforementioned superstar shooter-RPG tagteam. And in terms of plot and character, the plot adaptability and solid writing has it swinging from the same monkey bars as Dragon Age: Origins while Halo and Gears of War participate in a game of gay chicken over in the nearby sandbox.

¹ Deus Ex filed them under “Rifles” for a reason, after all.
² Just swap “Halbech” with “Bank of America” or “Wells Fargo” or any oil company and you’ve got the right idea.
³ I’m giving Sega & Obsidian the benefit of the doubt and thinking this was meant to promote better storytelling, not just a way to get us to play the game more than once. Which I think I may have to, now. Bastards.

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! The Expendables

September 16, 2011 / BlueInkAlchemist / 0 Comments

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With the unfortunate shutdown of Non-Social Media, I’m under no further obligation to do video versions of this feature. This may be a blessing in disguise, as I’m unsure how much free time I’ll have on my hands in the future, not to mention the fact that I’m not feeling very well. On a possibly unrelated note, I watched The Expendables this week. I invite you to sit back and relax as you bear witness to me potentially becoming audibly ill.

While there is something of a plot in this film, it seems to really only serve as an excuse for the cast to play off of one another. Considering the cast involves pretty much every major established action star of the last decade or so, to testosterone junkies this is probably a worthwhile excuse. For those interested in the details, the titular band of rogues are black-ops mercenaries contracted to take down the American-backed dictatorship in a fictional island nation. Actually, if you’re familiar with video games at all, I’d venture that this plays out a bit like a movie version of the sandbox shooter Just Cause 2: a general lack of coherent plot, made-up island country, explosions you can outrun, one-liners with hilarious accents, and so on.

Fans of action won’t be disappointed. If all you look for in a movie is an excuse to dim the lights, pop some popcorn, pour some cola and turn your brain off for an hour or two, I say go for it. I’m in no position to tell people how to have their fun. I mean I spend a good portion of my free time with Magic the Gathering, StarCraft 2 and webcomics. For me to lean in from the side of the screen while Sylvester Stallone and his dream team of muscle men blow away legions of faceless mooks and say it’s a pile of lifeless drivel smacks of pretentiousness, even hypocracy. And yet, as someone who takes storytelling in its various forms pretty damn seriously, I can’t really help it if I get my boxers in a bunch over something like this. So if you’re still with me after another one of my questionable digressions, let’s crack this thing open and find out how many blanks it’s actually shooting.

Writer, director, actor. When people say “triple threat” they usually don’t mean “to good taste.”

Let’s begin with the premise. I understand that this is meant to be something of an homage to the camp, over-the-top explosionfest action flicks of the late ’70s and most of the ’80s. If that’s the case, where are the references to movies like Commando and Predator? Yes, Arnold makes a brief cameo appearance and there’s one attempt at a joke at his expense (or maybe it was at Sly’s, I couldn’t bloody tell), but other than that The Expendables behaves very much like its own beast. And while some of it is certainly over-the-top in a moment or two of gratuitous violence and gun porn, most of it feels like it’s trying to be taken somewhat seriously. There’s banter and whatnot, sure, but there’s no feeling of tongues being in cheek. If there’s any sort of joke or irony at work here, our heroes are most certainly not in on it.

From start to finish I was unable to find a single surprise, genuine laugh or legitimally compelling character. What little story there is takes more than a few unnecessary turns into the personal territory of characters we really don’t care about. It’s clear from the outset that Stallone is not writing, directing or starring in the sort of film where time and resources are managed well enough to both develop deep characters and put them through creative, well-shot action scenes – Sly is no Nolan. Hell, I hesitate to put him in the same directorial company as Michael freakin’ Bay. His shot composition and ability to transition need a lot of work. At least he didn’t use any wipes, so he has better sense than Lucas.

“So, Sly, what’s my motivation again?”
“Yer shootin’ people.”
“Oh, right. Forgot.”

On a related note, let’s talk about this cast and how they’re utilized. Jason Statham showed some hand-to-hand fighting skill in his Transporter films, Randy Couture is a mixed martial artist, Dolph Lundgren has thrown down with the likes of Van Damme, Stone Cold Steve Austin beats people up all the time in staged fights and women when he’s bored, and wiping the floor with all of them would be Jet “the second coming of Bruce” Li. So where are all of the breathtaking fistfights? Where’s the mano a mano duels where weapons are discarded and it all comes down to one warrior’s skill against another’s? The moments where there’s even the potential for this are shot, cut and paced so badly Paul Greengrass is rolling his shakey-cam eyes. None of the gunfights are particularly memorable, the villain has no real motivation other than greed and what should be an exciting or at least entertaining exercise in action movie nostalgia just left me feeling bored.

Other than one neat sequence with the aforementioned seaplane and the monstrous AA12 automtic shotgun getting a moment in the limelight, The Expendables feels like another lackluster entry in the already bloated and uninteresting action film genre. It adds nothing to it, does nothing for it and says nothing about it. As I said, there’s appeal in the fact that it demands nothing of its audience if said audience wants to give their higher brain functions a break, but the whole thing just feels tired, by the numbers and dull. Despite the star power of its cast, the potential for a reawakening of the band of misfits harkening to Seven Samurai or The Dirty Dozen and the opportunity for these manly men of modern movies to poke some fun at thesmelves, there isn’t a single thing about The Expendables that would lead me to recommend it. No matter what Sly originally had in mind when he got this idea and gathered all of his friends, there’s just nothing here.

Tag: action (page 3 of 6)

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! The Avengers

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! La Femme Nikita

Movie Review: Immortals

Game Review: Alpha Protocol

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! The Expendables

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