Aperture Science Forms FORM-27991563-888: Testchamber Facility After-Action Report
Per your instructions, I have begun to compile the observed and recorded data recovered following the successful completion of testing executed for and by test subject code-named “Chell.” While the repairs to the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center may take some time, it is with the utmost confidence that I open this report by saying that that Aperture Science’s Pro-active Operational Realization Testing And Logistics – PORTAL – was, in your words, a huge success.
The operational and ultimate tactical functionality of the Aperture Science Hand-held Portal Device was brought to a highly satisfactory conclusion by “Chell” after her re-activation from her designated relaxation vault. From there she was instructed to proceed through the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center by the administrative system. From the point of this observer, the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System at the heart of this facility – GLaDOS – issued clear and concise directions to this test subject just as with the others that came before. Aside: It may be advisable in future testing environments to monitor the overall output of the GLaDOS Sarcasm Sphere, as it seemed to generate 127.5% of the expected outright fabrication necessary to maintain a dynamic testing environment.
The successful implementation of the Aperture Science Hand-held Portal Device cannot be overstated. The elements of success here are equal parts the brilliant design of the device itself and the instruction on its use through both the intuitive layout of the testchambers and the instruction of GLaDOS. With these elements, the test subject was able to navigate a variety of ever-escalating testchamber environments, from straightforward corridors with simple obstacles to complex platform series carrying penalties up to and including total body disintegration. No tools were provided to assist the test subject save for environmental objects such as storage cubes. The succesful navigation of a given testchamber ultimately came down to the intelligence of the test subject and their grasp of the device’s functionality. While this has been a risk in the past, as user error has contributed to more test subject terminations than any other factor, test subject “Chell” has proven a worthy investment for Aperture Science.
It should also be noted that the Weighted Companion Cube was incinerated in record time by the test subject. It seems that the test subject did not become quite as attached to the Weighted Companion Cube as previous test subjects, despite the Weighted Companion Cube’s endless patience and unwavering support. Aside: the test subject also did not react to the incineration as if the Weighted Companion Cube were screaming in agony while being burned alive as others have. Recommend more research.
Turret systems within the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center may bear notice as a potential flaw in security. Once the test subject was able to master some of the nuances of the Aperture Science Hand-held Portal Device, the turrets were capable of being dispatched in a variety of ways. While it is the policy of Aperture Science to encourge the ingenuity of its test subjects, it is recommended to post more rocket turrets throughout the Enrichment Center, as a possible fail-safe deterrent from further catastrophic damage. Personal emphasis: It would be harder for a test subject to cause catastrophic damage when they’re a smear on the wall. Smears we can clean. Cascading ruptures in space-time are a bit messier.
Noteworthy is the upgraded personality systems of the turrets. Not once did a turret react with anger or frustration towards the test subject. Indeed, the programming of the system throughout the Enrichment Center further reinforced the idea of positive feedback and encouragement, prompting the test subject to continue the testing in the face of overwhelming odds, potential gross bodily harm and extreme pessimism. “Chell” in particular was able to persist in creative thinking and spontaneous bursts of quick reactions allowing for the ‘additional’ testing as mentioned in my previous report (see “Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center Damage Causes, Inventory and Projected Repair Time”).
[Conclusion:] Please attach to test subject “Chell”‘s Personnel File as further evidence to reinforce the note made by yourself – HUGE SUCCESS.
[After-Action Report Addendum:] ‘Stuff I Liked’ included the unique design of the testchambers, the requisite use of brain-power to overcome obstacles and the undercurrent of tragedy surrounding the empty rooms once occupied by (albeit unreliable and ultimately irresponsible) Aperture Science employees.
[After-Action Report Addendum Addendum:] ‘Stuff I Didn’t Like’ [[ERROR 601 FILE NOT FOUND]]
[After-Action Report Conclusion Addendum:] ‘Stuff I Loved’ ranges from the GLaDOS sense of humor to the length of the testing procedure, and includes the music used throughout the Enrichment Center. Recommend third-party contributor ‘Jonathan Coulton’ be honored in some way should he be among the people still alive.
[Final Thought:] It is a pleasure and honor to work within the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center despite having to do so within the confines of [[ERROR 187 FINAL THOUGHT REDACTED]]
[Final Thought PS:] If this were a video game I’d recommend everybody buy it.
[Final Thought PPS:] I further recommend cake be served immediately.
Currently, the prevailing definition of the word “gamer” is “someone who plays video games.” However, the label has an older connotation. For years, gamers were people who populated the tables of college dorm basements, comic store back rooms and Mom’s dining room, one of them hunched behind a screen describing unspeakable horrors while the others rolled dice, complained about rulings and flung Cheetos at each other. Thankfully, that hobby is alive and well in the world of testosterone-charged first-person shooters and time-destroying MMOGs. With love in its heart and tongue firmly in its cheek, The Gamers: Dorkness Rising shows us how these “real” gamers live and play.
Produced by the Dead Gentlemen, Dorkness Rising is a follow-up to the original film called The Gamers. However, it’s not necessarily a sequel. The story centers on Kevin Lodge, a man struggling to create a unique campaign world for Dungeons & Dragons and writing up its first module. His regular gaming group, however, is frustrating him at every turn due to their shameless power-gaming rules-mongering ways. To fill the ranks of their small group, one of the players – arrogant, by-the-book Cass – enlists his ex-girlfriend, Joanna. It turns out that Joanna, like Kevin, is more interested than the story than the rules. The perspective shifts between the players and their characters, and as the adventuring party embarks on their quest to retrieve the Mask of Death from an evil necromancer, the gamers themselves begin to grow in their understanding of both their characters and the reasons they play these games.
At first blush, there’s a lot of similarity between The Gamers and Dorkness Rising. It has gamers rolling dice, yelling at one another and making off-color jokes at each other’s expense. If you’ve never sat down for a session of Dungeons & Dragons before, you’ll get a pretty good idea of how they tend to proceed. There are plenty of jokes about both the nature of table-top role-playing games and the people that play them. Some of these might fly over the heads of a general audience, but anybody who’s rolled dice to determine a hit against a goblin’s armor class can tell you they’re right on the money. Beyond the scenes and jokes themselves, the film’s probably been responsible for an explosion of conversations that begin with someone saying “Dude, something just like that happened to me when…”
The surprising thing about Dorkness Rising isn’t the humor, however. This film has got a lot of heart. It parodies the lives of gamers and plays up the hilarity of some of their arguments out of love rather than spite. The story has a lot to say about the nature of friendship, the way people immerse themselves in their hobbies and the process of storytelling itself. Despite the ways in which certain characters behave, the film never resorts to mean-spirited or blatantly gross-out humor to get a laugh. That isn’t to say that this comedy is high-brow, by any stretch – there’s bawdy jokes aplenty. But the jokes never really exist for their own sake. Like action that has the audience riveted in a well-directed film, the comedy in this story grows organically from character interaction and growth.
The only real drawback to this film is that it’s aimed at a very specific audience. A lot of the jokes, references and situations will be utterly lost on anybody who hasn’t ever played a table-top role-playing game before. And beyond that, there isn’t a whole lot to say about Dorkness Rising. Chances are, if you’re at all connected to table-top gaming, you’re aware of this film and you know if it’s up your alley or not. While there’s a lot to like about both of the films in The Gamers series, beyond their good-natured humor and the surprising quality of the storytelling in the second one there isn’t a whole lot to say about them. They’re funny and clever and aimed straight at table-topping dorks everywhere. If that sounds like your cup of tea, then by all means pick these up on your Netflix queue. But not everybody’s going to enjoy the same kind of thing. That’s just as true in the gaming world as it is when it comes to movies. I remember this one time I was playing a rogue in a Planescape campaign and…
Josh Loomis can’t always make it to the local megaplex, and thus must turn to alternative forms of cinematic entertainment. There might not be overpriced soda pop & over-buttered popcorn, and it’s unclear if this week’s film came in the mail or was delivered via the dark & mysterious tubes of the Internet. Only one thing is certain… IT CAME FROM NETFLIX.
I’m going to begin with a confession. This is not the sort of movie that finds its way onto my Netflix queue. However, when I find myself at my parents’ house for the holidays, I tend to be more at the mercy of what’s on their big-screen TV. The House Bunny ended up being on during Christmas Eve, and rather than treat it the way I do most modern American comedies – with cynicism and contempt – I thought I’d give it a fair shake. Seemed only fair, since on more than one occasion the ladies were shaking things themselves. The film stars Anna Faris, Colin Hanks, Emma Stone, Kat Dennings, Christopher McDonald, Beverly D’Angelo, Katherine McPhee and Hugh Hefner.
Shelly Darlingson (Faris) is a Playboy bunny. She’s not centerfold-worthy despite being sexy, vivacious and in her twenties. At twenty-seven, however, she’s told she’s too old to be a bunny and gets kicked out of the Playboy Mansion. Downtrodden, she comes across attractive women living together in a sorority, but they kick her out because she’s not a student. Shelly washes up at a sorority of misfit girls, and having learned that older women become house mothers for sorority girls like these, takes it upon herself to transform the house to a mansion all its own, and the girls within to beautiful heart-stoppers that become the talk of the campus.
Despite the somewhat generic university misfits becoming awesome plot, this movie works as a fun little comedy most of the time. If it weren’t for Anna Faris’ honest and well-paced delivery of her lines and the way the others play off of her performance, this concept would utterly fail. The buoyancy she brings to the writing and direction has less to do with her ‘assets’ and more with her experience and sincerity. As honest as Faris and her co-stars are with themselves, they’re also smart enough not to take themselves too seriously. While some of the jokes and gags fall flat, which is an inevitability when you’re dealing with ground that’s been tread before in comedy, the ones that work do so well enough to keep us interested long enough to expect the next one – or is it the T&A? Sometimes it’s hard to tell.
Again, this isn’t the sort of thing I’d normally watch. Sure, sex is funny. To paraphrase Alan Rickman as the Metatron in Dogma, consider some of the faces people make in the midst of coitus. And mixing the inherent comedy of women that get by on their looks alone with the tried & true formula that worked for Animal House, Revenge of the Nerds and PCU sounds like another one of those chocolate/peanut butter combinations. I honestly believe that Anna Faris, the best and most consistent thing about the Scary Movie series, is the reason this movie works as well as it does. It has good things to say about female empowerment not unlike Miss Congeniality and Legally Blonde – the latter film being borrowed from heavily when Shelly needs to, like, learn stuff. In fact this movie is more a casserole than a Reese’s treat – so many things left over from other movies are mixed together to make this one. But it’s a dessert casserole, sweet and decadent and offering a bit of substance, like a cake that’s more frosting than cake but has just enough cake to still be called a cake. If that makes any sense.
I have another confession. I was secretly hoping this movie would be horrible. I was hoping I’d be able to tear it apart the way a lion tears apart a wildebeest. But there’s just enough in The House Bunny to save it from having its dessicated carcass join the likes of In The Name of the King in the back of my little Internet den. It’s not earth-shattering or breaking any new ground or pushing any envelopes, but it’s not utter dross or completely brainless or heartless either. It takes turns being funny, cute and sexy, and while it never completely hits the mark on any of those turns, it’s not a total miss. There isn’t any real danger to our girls of anything horrible happening, and Shelly changes her mind quite a few times in the film’s third act. In the end, though, while it didn’t make me think at all, it made me laugh at times and that’s the goal of a comedy. You’re really not missing anything if you don’t add The House Bunny to your Netflix queue, but if you like your collegiate comedy wearing a bikini and pink bunny ears, you could do worse. And there’s nothing wrong with seeing Anna Faris in that outfit.
Josh Loomis can’t always make it to the local megaplex, and thus must turn to alternative forms of cinematic entertainment. There might not be overpriced soda pop & over-buttered popcorn, and it’s unclear if this week’s film came in the mail or was delivered via the dark & mysterious tubes of the Internet. Only one thing is certain… IT CAME FROM NETFLIX.
I’ve stated in some previousreviews that Jason Statham is a badass. I’ve also mentioned him in his work with Guy Ritchie, of which Snatch is the prime example. It’s also arguably Ritchie’s best film to date, often compared to Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels the way Pulp Fiction is compared to Reservoir Dogs. But before I start drawing parallels between two directors and lose what few readers & listeners I have, let’s talk about Snatch. The movie, not anything else. The film stars Jason Statham, Benicio Del Toro, Alan Ford, Stephen Graham, Dennis Farina, Rade Serbedzija, Mike Reid, Vinnie Jones, Lennie James, Robbie Gee, Ade and Brad Pitt.
Jason Statham is an underground boxing promoter in London by the name of Turkish. (Take notes, Dr. Boll, as he is not named “Boxer” or “Promoter”.) He and his partner Tommy (Stephen Graham) are trying to get their fighter, Gorgeous George, into the ring for a fair fight with one of the boxers promoted by local kingpin and pig enthusiast Brick Top (Alan Ford). Meanwhile, Frankie Four-Fingers (del Toro) has stolen a gigantic diamond from Antwerp to the delight of his boss Cousin Avi (Farina) and is heading to London to discuss his ill-gotten gains with Doug the Head (Reid). Aware of his arrival is Boris the Blade, aka Boris the Bullet-Dodger (Serbedzija), who taps two guys from a pawn shop to intercept Frankie before he can offload the rock. Brad Pitt is a fast-talking semi-Gypsy bare-knuckle fighter, Jones is a cold-as-ice bounty hunter named Bullet-Tooth Tony and Ade is the world’s largest getaway driver. We never learn the name of the dog.
If you’re not confused yet, I’m impressed. The film juggles these disparate plots while standing on one foot and telling off-color jokes. If you’re easily offended by foul language, particularly the word “fuck,” you probably don’t want to watch this film. Or even be in the next room if it’s playing. The liberal use of “fuck” throughout the film might be explained away by some as a lack of intelligence since smart people find other ways to express themselves, but the adept balancing of the various plots and the three-dimensionality of most of the players indicate that plenty of higher brain functions were being engaged in this film’s creation.
While some movies struggle to cohesively tell one plot from start to finish, Snatch handles quite a few, which begin on separate tracks but slowly begin to weave in and out of each other. As I mentioned, most of the key players are given depth and characterization. Turkish, in particular, shows a gamut of emotions, from grim sarcastic satisfaction to almost palpable desperation. Brick Top is charismatic and even funny while being menacing, especially in a scene towards the middle of the film. The guys from the pawn shop are trying to move a body (I won’t say whose) when Brick Top appears and instructs them on an efficient and organic way to deal with such things: feed the body to pigs. After his informative if somewhat macabre tutorial, he rises from the couch and asks simply, “D’you know what the word ‘nemesis’ means?” Despite the comical tone of most of this film, Alan Ford’s delivery can be downright chilling. We’ve seen how ruthless and unhinged Brick Top can be by this point, so his quiet, understated question has all of the bite and discomfort of a circular saw dismembering a corpse in preparation for a piggy feast.
But as much as I love the characters of Turkish and Brick Top, the film is very nearly stolen entirely by Brad Pitt’s turn as Mickey, the Pikey bare-knuckle scrapper. Pikies are modern-day nomads, living out of caravans as they move from one campsite to another. They speak in an accent that is, in the words of Turkish, “not exactly English and not exactly Irish.” And most of them speak fast. Very fast. It’s part of their plan to pull the wool over the eyes of people with whom they do business, but it has the side effect of being absolutely hilarious. And the way we are introduced to this class of people is the same man who portrayed the dead-eyed reluctant predator in Interview with the Vampire and the gritty, ambitious detective Mills in Se7en. He’s bombastic, energetic, quick-witted and funny, yet also finds time to show a range of emotion from heartbroken rage to cold and calculating. If you don’t think Brad Pitt can act, you should see this movie. Then hit yourself in the face with a cricket bat.
Guy Ritchie’s writing and direction in this film are at their zenith. The jokes are funny, the characters are believable and the stories move along just fast enough to keep us off-balance without being terribly confusing, my condensed recap of the opening act notwithstanding. The action and violence grow organically from the story and setting, rather than appearing out of nowhere. You actually have to think, as the film speeds along, about what is happening to whom as the different plots begin to mix. Even the soundtrack is pitch-perfect, from Massive Attack’s haunting “Angel” to Oasis’ high-energy rocking “Fucking in the Bushes.” We even have great camera angles, fantastic framing and some of Guy Ritchie’s trademark jarring interludes. Pay attention whenever anybody mentions gambling to Frankie Four-Fingers to see what I mean.
Now, as I’ve mentioned, the language might be a little too intense for some people. And the frenetic pace and slightly offbeat nature of both the writing and direction might be a turn-off to others. If these are obstacles to seeing Snatch, however, I consider that a deplorable shame. This is some of the best cinematic storytelling I’ve had the pleasure to watch. The word ‘caper’ doesn’t quite do it justice. It’s smart, funny, gritty, intense and awesome from start to finish. Not one moment or shot is wasted. You may have seen Snatch already if you’re a regular reader or listener of my material. If you don’t own a copy, you should, but if you need convincing, toss it on your Netflix queue. And if you haven’t seen Snatch before, you should not only add it to your queue but bump it right to the top. It’s not just brilliant – it’s fucking brilliant.
Josh Loomis can’t always make it to the local megaplex, and thus must turn to alternative forms of cinematic entertainment. There might not be overpriced soda pop & over-buttered popcorn, and it’s unclear if this week’s film came in the mail or was delivered via the dark & mysterious tubes of the Internet. Only one thing is certain… IT CAME FROM NETFLIX.
If you click on the above image, you will be transported to the wonder of this year’s Desert Bus event.
What is the Desert Bus event, you ask?
The gamer-loving folks from LoadingReadyRun have established a yearly event for the Child’s Play charity by playing a game in a marathon style. They’ve chosen the timeless, riveting classic Sega CD game, Desert Bus. The game consists of driving a bus from Tuscon to Las Vegas and back.
That’s it.
They take turns, sitting in front of a live streaming webcam, answering questions and participating in different antics. Every donation extends the time they spend on the road without crashing the bus or ending the game. At this time of this writing, they have been busing for 2 days, 14 hours and about 15 minutes, and have raised over $42,000 as shown by the milestone pic I sent them (with apologies to SEPTA).
So if you get the chance, even if the workplace is making demands of you, head on over to desertbus.org, check out the camera and if you can, make a donation. You can also check out LoadingReadyRun’s YouTube channel to see just how brilliant these fine folk are. They’re going to be at this for a while, and they’ll be grateful for the company.
For more details on the history of the Desert Bus event, look no further than the blog of Shamus Young. Also, he snagged a pic of Kathleen & Tally from LoadingReadyRun dressed as catgirls.
There aren’t many better ways to start a Monday that are safe for work, in my opinion.
