Tag: Friday 500 (page 6 of 10)

500 Words on 50 Shades of Grey

February 13, 2015 / / 0 Comments

Courtesy Wikipedia

So. Here’s the best way I can think of to communicate my feeling about 50 Shades of Gray, since I don’t know the onomatopoeia for violent projectile vomiting. If I did, I’d just type that word out 500 times. Or go the Spider Jerusalem route, and type the word “FUCK” 500 times. But alas, you’re stuck with the following extended metaphor.

Imagine you live in a small town, with limited contact with the greater world at large. You come up with a great recipe for hamburgers. You work very hard getting the right balance of spices right for your patties so that they have their own distinctive flavor. You put them together with care, making fresh-baked buns, selecting high-quality vegetables, good cheese, the works. The people to whom you serve your burgers give you positive feedback, and you think about how to open a restaurant so that as many people as possible can try out your burgers.

Then someone opens up a McDonald’s down the street from you.

The burgers available at McDonald’s are not the best. They’re not even that good. Sure, they’re convenient, cheap, and satisfying in a passable way to a lot of people, but having tasted them yourself, you know for a fact that it’s a sub-standard product that is, in the long run, bad for you. It advertises itself as some sort of great burger or meal, but you can taste the lie in every bite. In fact, there’s something downright abusive about it, at least as far as your tract is concerned.

Still, McDonald’s is marketed very well. An inexpensive product is an easier one from which to wring a profit. It may not be good for a lot of the population, and it certainly isn’t a great example of nutritional food by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s certainly good business. The people in charge of McDonald’s rake it in as the people eating the food get the wrong idea about what makes good cuisine, drop dead from obesity and cholesterol, and complain about the prices of burgers elsewhere, including the place you tried to open up but had to close almost immediately because McDonald’s drove you out of business.

Hopefully, people understand why you’re bitter, and glare at every set of golden arches you happen to see. However, you can’t stop people from liking what they like, or putting whatever they want into their bodies. As long as people don’t feed themselves entirely on McDonald’s, and make smart decisions in spite of McDonald’s presence, there really isn’t a lot of harm being done. You have a personal beef (pardon the pun) for a variety of reasons, but as long as you’re not being an asshole about it, you’re not going to stop people from consuming something they enjoy.

Okay, I think I’ve made my point. Like I said, it’s difficult for me to think of another way to express myself. So… not seeing the movie, but have fun if you do.

500 Words on Remakes

February 6, 2015 / / 0 Comments

Courtesy LionsGate

I’ve taken it upon myself, on multiple occasions, to take tales told since time immemorial and put them in modern context. Greek myths in space, Norse myths in the Old West, and so on. So, as a rule, I have nothing against remakes. I think they can be good, if they are done correctly and with respect. I

Consider Dredd and the 2011 version of Conan the Barbarian. In both cases, the title character eschews a great deal more towards the material from which they were born. Karl Urban as Dredd never takes off his helmet, doesn’t go for bombastic declarations, and the atmosphere around him is gritty and realistic rather than grandiose and covered in shiny metal or neon lights.

As for Conan, while the 1982 version is a lovely classic of good old-fashioned high fantasy sword-and-sandals adventure, the 2011 version had a title character who hewed closer to Robert E Howard’s text. Conan was never a man of great words or deep letters, but Arnold’s nearly silent performance was a bit too stoic. Jason Momoa, in addition to being closer to the description Howard gave us, speaks often and echoes the original tales. I will admit, the statement of purpose we got from Arnold in 1982 is pretty killer:

“Conan! What is best in life?”
“TO CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES, TO SEE THEM DRIVEN BEFORE YOU, AND TO HEAR THE LAMENTATIONS OF THEIR WOMEN.”

But in 2011, Conan boils himself down this:

“I live, I love, I slay, and I am content.”

These words come from arguably the most well-known Conan story, ‘Queen of the Black Coast’.

He shrugged his shoulders. “I have known many gods. He who denies them is as blind as he who trusts them too deeply. I seek not beyond death. It may be the blackness averred by the Nemedian skeptics, or Crom’s realm of ice and cloud, or the snowy plains and vaulted halls of the Nordheimer’s Valhalla. I know not, nor do I care. Let me live deep while I live; let me know the rich juices of red meat and stinging wine on my palate, the hot embrace of white arms, the mad exultation of battle when the blue blades flame and crimson, and I am content. Let teachers and priests and philosophers brood over questions of reality and illusion. I know this: if life is illusion, then I am no less an illusion, and being thus, the illusion is real to me. I live, I burn with life, I love, I slay, and am content.”

I for one would love to see Jason Momoa star in a depiction of ‘Queen of the Black Coast’, or ‘Red Nails’. I’d like to think there’s potential for an adaptation of one or both of these tales. Especially with the way Mr. Momoa broods, sneers, laughs, and fights when we saw him playing Conan. Basically, I’m adding this idea to my “future content creation” bucket list.

Hey, a man can dream, right?

500 Words on Goals

December 12, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Courtesy The Oatmeal
Shut up, Blerch.

A lot of people have long-term goals. Finishing school, meeting a deadline, saving up for a house or car, starting a business, the list goes on. But there are short-term goals, too, and they are just as vital.

Like long-term goals, these take a variety of forms. Write a number of words. Run a certain distance. Spend less than a given amount in total, or just at the grocery store. Beat a personal record in exercise or leisure activity. When long-term goals seem out of reach, or silence is the answer to questions addressing them, short-terms goals are even more important.

There are a lot of things that can happen over the course of a day. Plans can change. All sorts of events change the schedule of a given timeframe. And changes can be detrimental to goals. Factor in things like fatigue, sickness, distraction, or emotion, and the completion of goals can be thrown into question.

I struggle with this quite a bit. I used to be on a regular schedule for exercise, and have been attempting to regain some momentum in that along with meeting daily writing goals. My body isn’t quite up to a daily regimen of running yet, and my legs are doing quite a bit of protesting. And then there’s the Blerch to consider, pictured above.

I recently picked up The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons I Run Long Distances, and I feel an odd kinship with Matthew Inman. I’m not an artist, nor is my comedic timing as good as his, but I have a similar habit of treating myself like a circius animal. When I do a “trick”, my inclination is to reward myself. And when I fail, my incination is to get angry with myself.

This is probably not the most healthy of reactions. I know, logically, that a body not used to regular cardiovascular exercise needs time to adapt. I also know that there are emotional and mental complications to consider. I am often fighting through a wall of white noise, in my own head at least, which can make keeping myself focused on my own goalposts difficult. External ones, like hard due dates and deadlines, are much easier to clearly work towards. Those I set on my own tend to give me more difficulty. In my rational mind, however, I know that my difficulties are born from inside myself, and therefore, they can be beaten.

Just like outrunning the Blerch, I can, in essence, outwrite the white noise.

This weekend is going to be a busy for me. I hope to get the site refitted, work more on things worthy of Patreon and your attentions, and get back on track with things like this solid blog schedule and maintaining a consistent word couunt on a day to day basis. The holidays are fast approaching, as well, and I will be travelling to my parents’ home at the end of the month. Hopefully, by then, I will have a better handle on my goals.

500 Words on Trolls

October 17, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Courtesy Bewytchme.com

Yes. They’re real. They’re disgusting. They think they’re always right. But they don’t live under bridges; they live on the Internet.

‘Trolls’ is modern shorthand for people who use the broadcasting power and, occasionally, anonymity of the Internet to spew their opinions at people. No matter how ignorant or misinformed those opinions might be, these people like nothing better than to put themselves out into the world as experts in their fields. There are times when you can’t grok the context or tone of plain text when presented, but in the case of these folks, there’s almost always an air of smugness and faux superiority. I don’t know how they do it; but they do.

As succinct as ‘trolls’ is as a descriptor, I feel like a better, more descriptive one already exists. Guttersnipes. Think about it. It fits perfectly. People take aim at a topic or comment they wish to inflict themselves upon, and fire off idiotic rounds of so-called ‘knowledge’ into an unsuspecting crowd that had neither the desire nor the need to hear what they have to say. That covers the ‘snipe’ part – the ‘gutter’ part comes from the fact that it’s one of the best places to live when you surround yourself in shit. Much like pigs.

The thing about the perspective of a pig, is that they likely see things around them in the context of pigdom. When the farmer comes by, unless the pig is Babe or a MENSA member, pigs likely belive it’s just a bigger pig who happens to walk upright and always carry a slop bucket. When you’re a pig, all you see is other pigs. Pigs, however, are better than trolls.

“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill

Trolls don’t see you as equals. Like cats, but without the benefit of cuddly fur or attractive purring, they look down on us. They think they’re better than us, more enligthened, better informed. Let’s overlook the fact that a lot of their opinions tend to come from FOX News, or hate groups like GamerGate, or some place even more idiotic like 8chan. Any intelligent creature can expose themselves to this sort of hateful, ignorant, inflammatory dross and recognize it for what it is. It takes a particularly loathsome human being to simply parrot those things.

The worst ones are the ones that backpedal. When they get called on their bullshit, they start to take up a less controversial position. They will make a racist remark, and then when called on it, will say something like “I’m colorblind”. That way, they maintain their supposed moral superiority and can accuse their accuser of being overly sensitive. It’s bullshit, and these people live in it.

How do we deal with them? Don’t feed them. If you engage them, you will find their positions intractable and their smugness insufferable. They may consider silence a victory. Some fights, we just can’t win.

Image courtesy Bewytchme.com & GU Comics

500 Words on Setbacks

July 11, 2014 / / 0 Comments

RetroFitness of East Norriton

Two mornings after my first trip to the gym in months, my body is still sore. In fact, my left calf muscle (the ‘gastrocnemius ‘ I believe) has a fresh pull in it. It was enough to keep me in bed for a time. So, instead, I’m packing my gym bag and I’m going after work.

I hate going to the gym at night. It’s usually more crowded, more loud, and it can be more difficult to access the equipment I need. The gym I currently attend has just the one squat rack, and if I am going to get back to where I was in terms of my fitness routine and set new goals, I need to get a better handle on my squats. It’s possible I hit the rack a bit too hard on Wednesday, so when I go back tonight, I’ll try to go a bit easier on myself.

We all experience setbacks. Plans get changed, if not thrown into upheaval, when the unexpected happens. We don’t always get all of the information, or process everything correctly, to set things out right the first time. Mistakes are made. Oversights occur. Gaps in knowledge appear and every skillset has some demonstrable weaknesses.

This isn’t something you should punish yourself over.

Life is hard enough without self-deprecation coming into the mix. While it’s important to be salient regarding our own flaws, lest we fall into the trap of thinking ourselves blameless for our plights, berating ourselves for inevitable setbacks is not as important as planning the means to overcome those obstacles. Let’s face it – the problem is still going to be there no matter how much you flog yourself over it. It isn’t going to go away just because you’re laying into yourself to a noticeable degree.

Take the time to note where things went wrong. Understand the causes for the setback. Make yourself aware of these things going forward, if you can, as it may prevent future problems. And deal with what’s in front of you. The words you don’t write because you’re too contrite or too tired will remain unwritten until you write them. There’s no achievement to unlock for feeling sorry for yourself. Forward is the only direction that really matters.

This is another case of me reminding myself of these things at the same time I’m communicating them to others. I can’t pretend to have any authority on this, or much of anything, and I certainly don’t consider myself a success story worth emulating. Still, I do know that I’ve had my share of setbacks, some even self-inflicted. I did manage to survive them, somehow. And on top of everything, there are more in my future. I know this for a fact. Because, last time I checked, I’m a human being. I’m going to fuck up at some point or another.

It doesn’t matter what my intentions were, or how I would have done things differently. What matters, and what always matters, is what will happen next.

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