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Guest Post: Movie Review: Dreamcatcher

As you read this I am driving up towards the Great White North. While I deal with traffic, border shenanigans and the quest for a cup of Tim Horton’s, enjoy this review of Dreamcatcher, courtesy of Monica Flink. Please check out her blog, at Poached Prose.

When I find something true, or originally mind-blowing enough to leave an impression on me, I like to pay homage in a sincere show of flattery that does not evolve into all-out ass kissing. As such, I knew when I was going to review Stephen King’s Dreamcatcher, I could only pay homage to one man. That is right, I’m going to give a huge nod to the Nostalgia Critic, and we’re going to play The Stephen King Drinking Game. Because that is the only way we are all going to get through this movie. Warning: The Stephen King Drinking Game is only for those with the iron liver of a Depression-Era Irish bootlegger.

Dreamcatcher is the story of five friends who are going on a hunting trip just outside of Derry, Maine. If you recognized that every Stephen King story takes place in Derry, go ahead and take your shot. On their hunting trip the four friends realize that something is going on when animals begin fleeing the forest in droves, and a military presence is keeping people from leaving the area.

The animals always recognize evil first. I think the presence of Damian Lewis tipped them off.

The four childhood friends, Henry (Thomas Jane), Beaver (Jason Lee), Jonesy (Damian Lewis), and Pete (Timothy Olyphant), find themselves in the middle of an alien invasion, the infected human beings characterized by a red rash across their skin that is colloquially called the Ripley, after “…the broad in the Alien movies.” What’s that, a group of friends that have been together since childhood? Take another shot. Infection of the Ripley means flatulence, illness symptoms, and eventually an alien creature emerges from one of the holes we all have, the rectum.

These creatures, called “shit-weasels” by the government (Really? Shit-weasels was the best they could come up with? You know what, take a shot. You’re going to need it.) eventually grow and lay eggs to make more of their kind. The four friends discover this in different ways, Jonesy and Beaver get stuck with one in the cabin, while Henry and Pete discover a woman with the Ripley when they have a car accident in the snow.

It looks like a sperm with teeth. So basically anything that would come from Mel Gibson’s shriveled sack.

In flashbacks, it is revealed that the four friends made a fifth friend who does not visit the cabin with them named Douglas, a mentally disabled boy they rescue from bullies one day, who proudly declares himself “I Duddits!” and talks about someone named Mr. Gray all the time. What is this, half a Stephen King story told in flashbacks, and one-dimensional, completely irredeemable bullies put there to make the heroes draw closer? You just took two shots, didn’t you?

Henry figures out somehow that this alien problem is something that Duddits, now a mentally disabled adult dying of leukemia played by Donnie Wahlberg, needs to help fix. You are slowly and menially led through two stories, the story of Henry trying to get to Duddits to help stop the head alien, Mr. Gray, against the overpowering military efforts of Colonel Abraham Curtis (Morgan Freeman), and of Jonesy, who has Mr. Gray’s incorporeal spirit stuck in his head, attempting to poison the water source with alien eggs.

Hey, did you forget to take a shot when an overbearing authority figure was mentioned? Shame on you. Make it up now.

Where are Beaver and Pete during all this, you might ask? Well they were conveniently killed off so that there would be no inconvenient need to develop them past the smart-mouthed and womanizing stages their characters were in, respectively. The story is dull, when something about aliens that ravage your innards and take over your brain should be exploding with excellence, and the actors, the big name actors in this movie which include Tom Sizemore, Morgan Freeman, Thomas Jane, Timothy Olyphant, and Jason Lee, are phoning in their performances. The only one not half-assing it is Donnie Walhberg, and he has to play someone mentally deficient the entire time.

Think they’d notice if we just flagged someone down and went to go make better movies?

The director, Lawrence Kasdan, is better than this. The man has movies to his credit like The Empire Strikes Back and Raiders of the Lost Ark. Dreamcatcher just looks cheaply made for something that had nearly 70 million dollars poured into it, and the end is as anti-climactic as you can get with alien-on -alien action. It’s clear it wanted to be something more, and tried so hard that it popped like an over-ripe tomato on a hot kitchen counter.

If there is anything redeemable in this movie, it would be the child actors in the flashbacks. From the pop culture references that only someone King’s age would understand (take a shot) to the insurmountable courage that they all have which seems to disappear as neurotic adults (take another shot), the kids are the best actors in the whole damn movie. Except maybe for the shit-weasels. Those computer generated little bastards do some good by killing folk off for us.

If you are going to watch a movie based on a Stephen King novel, I suggest one of the ones that are either from his earlier years, such as Carrie or have nothing mystical or paranormal about them at all, like The Shawshank Redemption. These films will be far more entertaining, and will not get you nearly as drunk. Now call your DD and thank the Nostalgia Critic for sharing the whiskey-soaked love.

I think we both know this is just my paycheck movie. Those penguins didn’t pay crap.

Book Review: Irregular Creatures

January 29, 2011 / BlueInkAlchemist / 0 Comments

There have been doorstopper fantasies and sci-fi epics that have kept me enraptured for every page. Short fiction has a bigger task, as it needs to grab me, pull me in and keep me in the nuances of its story not with every page, but with every single word. Not every writer can do it.

Chuck Wendig does.

Irregular Creatures captures the madness, the brilliance and the desperation of ten years in a writer’s life. It has pieces long and short, narratives that tug the heartstrings and images that chill the blood. It’s a literary roller-coaster, the long hill of the opener coupled with quick drops and sudden, neck-snapping turns that surprise and confound. Any reader with the savvy and intestinal fortitude to pick this up will not be disappointed, and may ruminate upon the stories within for days to come or longer.

Okay, hyperbole and back-cover-copy aside?

It’s 3 bucks. For 8 stories. That will completely blow your mind.

Scroll back up and click “Buy.” You won’t be sorry.

Disturbed, surprised, impressed? Yes. Sorry? No.

So that’s the Amazon version. Was trying to keep it short for the benefit of bleary-eyed Amazonians just looking for a quick fix to get them through the cold, white months. Hopefully they found it helpful.

Here’s the longer, blow-by-blow version. There are synopses for these over on the page where you buy the thing, so let me tell you how each one hits you and where, and why each of them work on different levels.

Dog-Man and Cat-Bird (A Flying Cat Story) is that long hill before the initial big drop I mentioned. This one doesn’t just tug on your heartstrings, it gives them a hearty pull and then throws you over its shoulder into its dark but uplifting world. It’s a ride, start to finish, a microcosm of the entire work. Even if it weren’t part of an anthology, it’d be a stand-out bit of modern supernatural fantasy/horror. The protagonist is instantly relatable and earnest, the characters are realistically drawn to a one and it never feels contrived on any level. It justifies the entire project in and of itself. It’s no wonder Cat-Bird is on the thing’s cover.

A Radioactive Monkey follows the long drop with a short twist. A good little cautionary tale that still plays with our expectations. Clearly, whatever the reality taking unknown drinks from strange women is a bad idea.

Product Placement takes us to a place that is instantly familiar and thoroughly alien. You may take a closer look at the contents of your nearest vending machine the next time you’re craving a candy bar.

This Guy is you. Maybe. It could be. That’s the hook, the horror of it. The narrator’s an everyday guy, at least he starts out that way. But every day for the everyday guy is and feels the same, and that can change you. It feels like a straight on the coaster before it drops again.

Mister Muh’s Pussy Show feels greasy, dirty, delicious and very much a guilty pleasure.

Lethe and Mnemosyne. It uses every single fucking word precisely. Brilliant.

The Auction brings us back to fairy tale land. With a child protagonist and something that’s two parts Dahl and two parts Barker, we’re in for another wild ride. It front-loads with promise and, like the rest of the tales, does not disappoint.

Beware of Owner is another short that quickly yanks the rug out from under us. You can almost hear Chuck giggling as the full scope of the situation dawns upon us. Bastard.

Do-Overs and Take-Backs rounds out the anthology with another cautionary tale and a fine example of dual plot tracks slowly but surely becoming entwined. It has the horror, the humor, the weirdness and the brilliance of all that came before, and still remains its own creature. (See that? See what I did there?)

So, yeah, like I said. 3 bucks for 8 stories that’ll blow your mind. Basically, we’re robbing Chuck blind. He’s poured years of his heart and soul into this and we walk away with it for a song. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a better deal pretty much anywhere.

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! Splice

January 28, 2011 / BlueInkAlchemist / 2 Comments

[audio:http://www.blueinkalchemy.com/uploads/splice.mp3]

When I was growing up I would hear of stories, movies or episodes of television that were touted as ‘not for the faint of heart.’ They promised thrills and surprises aimed at an adult audience, one that could handle the nature of the material. Not that they wouldn’t have nightmares afterward, mind you, just that they could handle those nightmares. Had Splice come out in such a time, it definitely would have been called not for the faint of heart. I’d go one step further, though, and say it’s not for the slow of brain, either.

Have you ever seen scientists acting or treated like rock stars? That’s the best way to describe Clive and Elsa. Iconoclastic, brilliant and possessed of the particular kind of crazy that makes advancements in modern science possible, they’re splicing together designer organisms for the benefit of a major bio-tech firm interested in the next big pharmacuetical breakthrough. Recent success has shown them the potential of splicing human DNA into the mix to provide clues for things like curing cancer and growing organs. Their sponsors, fearing a moral backlash, put the kibosh on that idea. So Clive and Elsa do it anyway. The experiment starts going awry almost immediately, but does result in a viable organism. Her name is Dren.

If I were to give a single piece of advice when it comes to Splice, I’d say go into it without any expectations. The movie’s plot, characters and structure pull the viewer in and carry them along while teasing their mind with questions of morality and scientific advancement. It doesn’t necessary spoon-feed you answers, but it doesn’t assume you don’t know what’s going on either. It’s the kind of movie that rewards, rather than punishes, higher thought aimed in its direction. It’s one of those movies you’ll be thinking about after you see it, and any revulsion you feel will probably be aimed at the subtleties of the subject matter rather than the movie itself. This isn’t a cheap, knock-off creature feature, folks. This is thoroughly cerebral and deeply disturbing science fiction.

Something made a nummy noise, and it wasn’t Clive or Elsa.

Director Vincenzo Natali provides the movie with its very careful pace and nuanced mood. It’s clear that in telling this story, he not only wants to entertain, he wants to raise questions. And the questions end up being as shocking as the entertainment. How much is science being held back by old ideas and antique sentiments? While the motivations of Clive and Elsa’s superiors might be rooted firmly in finances, the impetus for their reluctance to back the scientists up is framed in the notion that “there would be a moral outrage.” As much as the duo extol the virtues and potential benefits of their work, it’s unfortunately true that champions of ‘decency’ and religion would be inconsolably enraged and disturbed at the very idea of using human material in designer organisms. The movie, however, never really addresses this issue and keeps its focus tightly on our pair of protagonists.

Sarah Polley and Adrien Brody play Elsa and Clive as very smart people with bright ideas and disapproving superiors, forced to go rogue and underground to make those ideas come to life. But over and above their idealism and intelligence is the fact that these are very much people, with all that entails. Sure, they’re brilliant, attractive and have great attitudes, but they’re also flawed human beings with neuroses and insecurities. A lot of movies in this vein can dial down the human element to emphasize the monstser or monsters in play, but Splice doesn’t do that. It never feels like a firm line is drawn with one side of the argument in the right while the other is wrong. It’s left up to us to decide, and at the same time, we’re presented with the question of Dren.

Beautiful and disturbing at the same time, like a lot of stuff on DeviantArt.

For all of its highbrow ideas and good characterisation, this is still essentially a monster movie, and what a monster we have! Dren’s evolution happens before our very eyes, and without speaking a word she conveys volumes of emotion and information. As she matured I was reminded of the otherworldiness of a young Milla Jovovich in the Fifth Element, with the ways Dren moves and interacts with the world around her. This feeling is deepened with the subtle blending of great acting on the part of Delphine Chaneac and CGI never overwhelms the humanity of the actors. Dren is, like her ‘parents’, a very human creature, but is also so inhuman that it’s always quite clear we’re dealing with something different, something curious and intelligent… something thoroughly dangerous.

I’ve tried my utmost to avoid spoiling anything, because Splice is a movie best served without preamble or preconception. Like I said, leave your expectations at the door when this one starts. Unlike a lot of modern movies out there, it doesn’t hesitate to engage the mind while simultaneously entertaining and occasionally horrifying the senses. It never plays its odd elements for cheap scares, and disturbs in a way that’s much more David Cronenberg’s The Fly than anything dreamt up by Wes Craven or even Stephen King. It’s a superlative piece of work, probably the best science fiction film I’ve seen since Moon, and definitely, definitely worth a place on your Netflix queue.

Josh Loomis can’t always make it to the local megaplex, and thus must turn to alternative forms of cinematic entertainment. There might not be overpriced soda pop & over-buttered popcorn, and it’s unclear if this week’s film came in the mail or was delivered via the dark & mysterious tubes of the Internet. Only one thing is certain… IT CAME FROM NETFLIX.

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! Lady Death

January 21, 2011 / BlueInkAlchemist / 1 Comment

[audio:http://www.blueinkalchemy.com/uploads/lady_death.mp3]

Not every adaptation has to be 100% accurate in its translation of the source material. I mean, honestly, how would the Lord of the Rings film trilogy had been helped by the presence of Tom Bombadil? In spite of his absence, the films are faithful to the spirit of the books, encapsulating the epic journeys of the Fellowship and the struggle to overcome the forces of evil. I bring this up because Lady Death suffers from a problem entirely different from missing a couple incidental characters. It’s missing just about everything that made the original enjoyable.

Lady Death got her start in the now-defunct CHAOS! Comics, the brainchild of Brian Pulido and the late Steven Hughes. She was initially cast merely as the eye-candy head-girlfriend of flagship character Evil Ernie, but proved popular enough that she got her own stories in the form of several mini-series and the occasional unrelated but not-unwelcome ‘swimsuit’ issue. Her story was that of a young girl named Hope who had the misfortune of being labeled a witch in Mideval Europe. Burning at the stake, she cries out to anyone or anything that can save her, and Lucifer answers. Hope has no desire to suffer in Hell has she did in life, but is told by Lucifer that she will never go free as long as living men walk the Earth. Hope’s answer is to hook up with a renegade eldritch blacksmith and vow to kill every single human being on the planet just to stick it to Lucifer. Now there’s a female empowerment story for you!

The movie takes a slightly different tack from a plot perspective. Instead of looking to get one over on Old Scratch, Hope undergoes her transformation and training for a more straight-up showdown scenario, the plan being for her to overthrow Lucifer and reign in Hell as a slightly less prickish potentate. The intent was to make Lady Death a little bit more of a ‘positive’ heroine instead of an anti-heroine. At least, that’s my understanding. While the concept alone takes away from some of the uniqueness of her character, it doesn’t dilute her symbolism. A woman consistently and thoroughly screwed over by men taking up arms to overthrow a male oppressor is still in keeping with Pulido’s original concept. While Lady Death can face challenges or even defeat, she never, ever plays the victim.

We miss you, Steve.

The same cannot be said for the rest of the source material. Pulido and Hughes were never afraid to veer into camp territory occasionally, and more than once you’ll catch Lady Death enjoying the slaughter she visits upon those in her path, sporing one of Hughes’ trademark grins. The movie’s masters, on the other hand, seem to have drained all of the life and joy out of Lady Death’s character along with her skin color. While playing her as more of the stereotypical stoic anti-hero might seem more fitting of the character by virtue of her name, both Brian Pulido and Neil Gaiman would tell you that a character named Death need not be… well, dead.

A big part of this major flaw in the movie comes from the era in which Lady Death was born. You see, in the 90s there was a trend of comic book protagonists who had some connection to the afterlife, be it J.O. Barr’s resurrected avenger The Crow or Todd MacFarlane’s anti-hero-from-Hell Spawn. While J.O. did it better than just about anybody else, there was no shortage of pretenders to this genre and the concurrent explosion of dark, edgy entertainment just about anywhere you looked. The explosion of the goth subculture seemed to have a lot of young people dressing in black and extolling the virtues of these damned heroes. Lady Death, in retrospect, seems to have had purpose that was two-fold, at least while she was under the control of CHAOS! – bring a much-needed female protagonist into this mix, and take the piss out of the genre at the same time by letting Lady Death enjoy being an infernal vixen of might and destruction. She never seems to enjoy anything she does in the movie, and the whole thing suffers as a result.

I could do better line work than this. And I suck.

It also suffers from some of the choppiest animation I have ever seen. I’ve indulged in more than my share of both anime and US-grown cartoons. ADV Films usually distributes anime, but don’t be fooled by the emblem on this thing. This is nowhere near as good as Evangelion or Berserk in terms of art or execution. The whole thing feels rushed, like it’s more the result of a high-schooler’s Lady Death fan-fiction brought to life than the concerted effort of a serious animation studio. And if it were based on a fanfic, there’d be a bit more titillation going on. A big part of Lady Death’s appeal has been her look and the way she casually flaunts her sexuality, even if the art that followed in the wake of Steve’s unfortunate passing dialed down the nihilistic glee that was just as much a part of her character as her skimpy outfits. But the lackluster nature of this animation means that there isn’t much enjoyment to be had looking at her. Add some flat voice acting, a plodding story pace and a total lack of originality to the mix and you have about a hundred minutes of completely wasted time.

Don’t take this review as a condemnation of Lady Death. On the contrary, even after a few reboots she still functions as the rare female protagonist in comic books who isn’t over-sexualized or completely undermined by the presence of males. Sure, she’s fun to look at, but her exploits are usually just as much fun to read. Seek out her books if you’d like to find out more about her, but as for the movie, skip it. Your time would be better spent finding some of that fan-fiction I mentioned. Especially if it crosses over with, say, Vampirella or something.

…Apparently, this is a canon crossover. …AWESOME.

MEPAcon Fall 2010 After-Action Report

November 15, 2010 / BlueInkAlchemist / 0 Comments

In Pennsylvania’s northern reaches, amongst mountains wreathed in fog and criss-crossing freeways, the Ramada at Clark’s Summit feels like a secluded retreat from big-city civilization. It’s a nice hotel in an interesting position, and twice a year it plays host to the Mid-Eastern Pennsylvania gaming convention, a.k.a. MEPAcon. This was my first experience at this event, and it definitely will not be the last.

I arrived to run a demo of Maschine Zeit, a session of the StarCraft board game and to break in the diplomatically-oriented rules of Conquest of the Empire. None of those things happened. Going through the experience of sitting at empty tables inspired me to remember proper ways to survive a convention. In spite of this disappointment, however, a great time was had.

The raffle, auction and other goings-on Saturday night informed me very much of the sort of people who attend the convention. It’s hard not to feel at home amongst other gamers who hiss at new editions of Dungeons & Dragons, laugh at jokes about random number generation and cheer for plush Cthulhu dolls. I took a trip into the forgotten mists of the very early 1990s with a session of the video-driven board game Nightmare and tried out a trick-based card game called Spooks. I found myself wishing two things: that I had arrived sooner, and that I had brought my wife.

Sunday brought the aforementioned empty board game tables but also a rousing game of the co-operative struggle against the Great Old Ones, Arkham Horror. I also took a break to try a new card game The Werewolves of Millers Hollow, a.k.a. “Are You A Werewolf?” The expansion New Moon was included and I did not have the wherewithal to call it the “Team Jacob” game, an opportunity my bride would have capitalized upon.

Finally on Sunday I had a fantastic encounter with beloved spec fiction author C.J. Henderson. The experienced pen behind occult detectives and the adorable “Baby’s First Mythos” gave this struggling author some much-needed advice on bridging the gap between unpublished and published. Many of his words bubble in my brain, and I’d like to stir the internal pot and relate his words in some fashion soon. I highly recommend checking out his work. He’s also inspired me to spruce up this webspace a bit.

With an overall drive time of just under two hours, even using a non-turnpike route, and very reasonable registration fees, I plan on making time to properly enjoy the next MEPAcon in April of 2011. I plan on bringing Maschine Zeit and StarCraft once again, along with Ninja Burger as a scheduled event and pick-up games of Chrononauts, Spammers (my prize from almost winning Nightmare), Three Dragon Ante (if I can get my hands on a deck) and possibly Magic: the Gathering.

More than anything else, I’ve been inspired to write more fiction and columns related to these genres and hobbies, continue running and playing old-school tabletop games and find ways to include the missus as much and as often as possible. Big thanks to MEPAcon’s excellent staff, the fine gents at The Portal Comics & Gaming and the folks good enough to put up with me. I look forward to seeing, speaking with and playing at the tables of the great people I met in the days, weeks and months ahead.

Tag: horror (page 10 of 15)

Guest Post: Movie Review: Dreamcatcher

Book Review: Irregular Creatures

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! Splice

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! Lady Death

MEPAcon Fall 2010 After-Action Report

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