We’re going to talk about feelings! YOUR feelings. Are feelings valid? Can you feel more than one feeling at once? Do feelings have consequences? I answer all of these questions from my perspective. I hope you find it insightful, useful, or at least interesting.
If you like what I’m doing with these, please feel free to subscribe or support me on Patreon. Thanks in advance!
In addition to the vlog, on the 1st of every month, I’m recording the reading of a poem I’ve written. The first one, here, was written around the time of my last birthday. I don’t imagine to have great skill as a poet, as longer-form fiction has long been my writing focus, but I hope you find something worthwhile in these stanzas.
We have no control over the shadows we cast.
For the purposes of this piece, the ‘shadow’ I refer to is not the Jungian concept of the ‘Shadow’ unconscious self, but rather the way others perceive us when we are not directly interacting with them. Just to be clear.
As inherently social beings, we meet other people on a regular basis. And like it or not, the more time we spend around those people, the more we influence them. It could be helping them see our point of view, pushing their boundaries, or introducing new things to their lives. Whatever it is, it leaves a part of us behind, like our shadow falling across the land we traverse with the light behind us.
Those shadows can be longer than we imagine.
It makes it all the more important to be careful of what we say and how we present ourselves. While there is no doubt in my mind that we accomplish far more with honesty than we do with deception, we must also do our utmost to be kind. Being polite and choosing one’s words is not the same as engaging in a lie. And while some situations do warrant direct, blunt, or even harsh language, it cannot be denied that such moments can change the shade and shape of one’s shadow. It can grow longer, falling over those we’ve encountered, lingering over those we leave behind, coloring their view of us and perhaps the world forever.
And, of course, shadows themselves make no sound. Shadows are silent.
The more we communicate, with individuals and with the world around us, the more our shadows take shape. That shape is what remains behind when that communication stops. And even if our intentions were good, or came from a place within us that craves peace and safety and affection, the shadow’s shape can be or become something entirely different the longer the silence lasts. This is why the dearly departed are often seen through rose-colored glasses, or even placed on pedestals: they no longer can show us who they really are, or who they were trying to be. All we have left is how we saw them, how we heard them, how we loved (or hated) them.
The idea that people don’t change come from those shadows, and from that silence.
It is easy to imagine that someone who has hurt us or crossed a line cannot or will not change, because when we part ways with them, we only take their shadows. They, as individuals, live on and (hopefully) grow and change. Some, yes, will wallow in whatever mire caused us to break with them in the first place, but others struggle, strive, and attempt to make themselves and the world around them better. The only way we can know for sure, either way, is to have some form of communication with them. To allow their words and actions to change the shape of the shadow they have cast upon us.
If the person in question was unashamedly toxic or deliberately abusive or worse, then yes, the silence is best. I am not saying to engage in communication that is unhealthy for you.
What I am trying to say is this: we cannot remain silent out of fear and pretend the shadows upon us do not exist.
This is the power of communication, community, and therapy. It can change those shadows. We can see the other in different light, attempt to understand them, and overcome a number of negative emotions or obstacles to our own growth. This can be a frightening prospect. Making the effort to change oneself, and imagining the other complexly, challenges our view of the world and forces us to admit to our imperfections, as well as seeing others, potentially those who have hurt us or done us wrong, not as monsters of shadow, but human beings. Flawed human beings, to be certain, but no less beautiful or worthwhile for their imperfections than we are.
That fear of change can be powerful. It can actually encourage our silence. I discussed this in this week’s vlog. And here, as there, I heartily encourage you to break that silence. Talk. Discuss with someone you trust or a group that supports you the shape and shade of a shadow that falls across your life. You might see the light shifting to change that shadow. That change, that discovery, is a vector for growth, and while we yet live, we owe it to ourselves to seek that growth.
Stagnation is slow death. The dead do not change. Within our silence, there is a void, an emptiness that indicates a lack of growth. It is quiet in its comfort but insidious in its true nature.
It really is like a cancer.
And either it will grow, or you will.
The choice is yours.
In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
‘Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed
By the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs
That voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence
“Fools” said I, “you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you”
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence
And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made
And the sign flashed out it’s warning
And the words that it was forming
And the sign said
“The words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls”
And whispered in the sound of silence
[/tube]We all have to start somewhere.
This is my first attempt at doing something like this, on a lot of levels. I can be a bit of a perfectionist, and there are a great deal of things I want to change, tweak, and improve upon the next time I slap one of these together. But, here you go. The first, I hope, of many vlogs talking openly about mental illness, how it makes me feel, and how I feel we as individuals should address the battles in our own heads.
Be kind.
By myself. For myself.
It’s a mantra I’ve adopted since things melted down for me last October. I’ve taken a step back from a variety of social situations and interests, even moreso in the light of more recent events. It’s been made clear to me that despite the appeal of living in the moment and carpeing as many diems as possible, I’ve missed a few key points on being a fully functional human being. I’ve often gotten myself into situations that are unsafe or unhealthy for me (missing medication or drinking to excess), people I care about (the allegations of whatever is in those Safety Circle reports), or both (my marriages and last relationship). The road to recovery is is long, and I’ve stumbled many times along the way over the last couple decades, mostly because I keep losing my balance.
Now, I can definitely blame my disease for part of this. Bipolar disorder is an imbalancing factor, by its very nature. Times of extreme stress and change, missing a dose of medication, and all sorts of other factors can trigger a rapid cycle, change emotional stability to a mixed state or worse. While I’ve never myself broken a limb, I imagine that if I were to break my leg, it would take a long time to learn to walk on it again, and an accident or rough fall or bump could set my recovery back, if not re-break the bone. I’ve had both my heart and my mind broken, repeatedly, over the last couple years, and every time, I’ve had to take moments to learn to think properly again, to feel properly again.
By myself. For myself.
Since I’ve dedicated to this, I’ve pushed myself to be honest, with myself and with others, as much as possible. At times I have done so to the point of alienating or outright enraging people. While I know that a big contributor to my multiple mental and emotional breaks – to say nothing of the break-ups – it also seemed, at first, that I was going too far in the other direction. However, many of the encounters and conversations I’ve had since those troubling hiccups have yielded some amazing growth and even new friendships. Pulling the masks behind which I’d been hiding from my face hasn’t always been easy. At least a couple, I’d been wearing so long, they had all but fused with my face, and it was painful to peel them off. Living so honestly often feels embarrassing or even edgy, reinforcing the intensity I mentioned in my last post. But at the end of the day, when I’m left alone with myself, I do feel a sense of relief when I look back on things I’ve said or done over the course of the day, and found no trace of deception, obfuscation, or denial at any point. It’s never an easy step to take on this road, but it’s such an essential one. Because who will still want to be around me if I keep doing the self-deceptive idiocy that lead me to ruin so many times?
After all, even though I am making this progress, these changes, under that mantra – by myself, for myself – I do not have to face it all alone.
Many of my nights have been long and dark. Waking before the dawn to get onto a bus into the city perpetuates that darkness. And this says nothing of the often steely cast that can hang like a dark curtain over Seattle. I love this city – she’s truly my home – but at times, it can feel like a very desolate, very lonely place. In recent times, when darkness external or internal closes in, I take it upon myself to share my feelings, no matter how they might embarrass me or how weak it might make me feel, with at least a few friends or family, be they blood or chosen. And as difficult as it can be to be so honest so often, when people don’t necessarily want the entire raw truth, I have yet to have a bad reaction from those with whom I directly interact. Honest exchanges that are hard to hear or read, certainly, but not a bad reaction.
The problem with living entirely for oneself is that it’s very difficult to avoid one’s head ending up one’s ass. In addition to my mantra, something I’ve kept in mind is that swimming in one’s own shit is actually quite comfortable – it’s warm and you know where it comes from. But as I walk this road to recovery – by myself, for myself – I refuse to do so in such a way that has me immersed in my own bullshit. I want to be divided from my old failures, my shattered masks, and whatever it was that made me so difficult to stay and live with. In order to do that, I have to walk with my head up. I have to walk strive towards the light even if it seems darkness is all around. I have to walk this plank, no matter how it ends, with my eyes wide open.
So this is the end of the story,
Everything we had, everything we did,
Is buried in dust,
And this dust is all that’s left of us.
But only a few ever worried.
Well the signs were clear, they had no idea.
You just get used to living in fear,
Or give up when you can’t even picture your future.
We walk the plank with our eyes wide open.
We walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we…
(Walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we…)
Yeah, we walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we…
(Walk the plank with our eyes wide open.)
Some people offered up answers.
We made out like we heard, they were only words.
They didn’t add up to a change in the way we were living,
And the saddest thing is all of it could have been avoided.
But it was like to stop consuming’s to stop being human,
And why would I make a change if you won’t?
We’re all in the same boat, staying afloat for the moment.
We walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we…
(Walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we…)
Yeah we walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we…
(Walk the plank with our eyes wide open.)
We walk the plank with our eyes wide open,
We walk the plank with our eyes wide open,
We walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we…
With our eyes wide open, we walk the plank, we walk the plank.
With our eyes wide open, we walk the plank, we walk the plank, we walk the plank.
With our eyes wide open, we walk the plank, we walk the plank.
That was the end of the story.
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