Tag: supernatural (page 4 of 6)

Canned Goods: Circle of Brimstone

Canned Burger

Wow. Been a while since I’ve done one of these. I’m up to my eyeballs in code and have some deadlines breathing down my neck, so have the first half of an attempt I made at a gothic supernatural horror short. Enjoy.

Spoiler
The hinges of the door moaned like the support beams of a house sagging under generations of spoiled children and corrupt parents, far too old and overworked from keeping something out, or shutting someone in. The name on the frosted glass read “Deacon Jackson,” and the door was ajar. In the mind of Detective-Lieutenant Allison Daniels, that wasn’t right. Sure, it was a backwater office in a run-down part of a declining city, but the lock on the door was solid, so it wasn’t that the bolt was sub-standard. And the individual she sought, according to his file, wasn’t one for just leaving his door open for any Tom, Dick or Harry to walk in. She drew her sidearm and eased the door open with her shoulder. What she saw caused her to sigh and re-holster the firearm.

Deacon Jackson, private investigator and (by all accounts) generally useless bastard, was passed out on his desk. An empty bottle of Jack Daniels lay on it’s side on the floor by the wastebasket, and a lowball glass was in his hand. He drooled a little, a tiny puddle of spittle having formed on the photo of a man on a cell phone. Allison closed the door gently and examined the picture. She knew the man’s picture, from the vice department: he was a suspect in a case where a man was beating prostitutes. According to Jackson’s notes, he was also cheating on his wife. Not terribly surprising. Smirking a bit, she grabbed the photo and its associated files and yanked them out from under Jackson’s dirty blonde head.

There was a satisfying thump.

“Huh? Wuzzat?” he babbled incoherently, looking around. His green eyes focused on her smiling face and he seemed to regain his composure a little. “Ah. Detective Daniels. What brings you to my doorstep?” He wiped his eyes and looked at the file. “Doing vice’s dirty work? What, is homicide too boring for you now?”

“No, though I see you’re still up to your old tricks,” she replied, laying the file back on his desk. “Chasing down wayward husbands and desperate housewives. I’m sure you get something out of it.”

“Sure do. Couple hundred an hour, plus expenses.”

She blinked. “You charge that much?”

He shrugged. “Lots of rich folk want their work done by someone who doesn’t travel in their circles. And I certainly don’t do that. I mean, come on, look at me.” He held out his arms to indicate his slightly threadbare gray sweatshirt stained in several places and his three-day-old stubble. Daniels shook her head.

“I don’t either, but I can still appreciate a Prada.”

“Of course you can, you’re a woman.” He stood and stretched, looking out on the street, turning his back to her. “But you didn’t come down here to discuss the nuances of my work, or my fees. Unless you’ve gotten married since I saw you last and your husband’s running around on you. In which case I might give you a discount seeing as you’re one of the city’s finest.”

“Finest what?” she asked coyly. Before he could respond, there was the sound of something hitting the desk. Jackson turned around and looked down. Sitting on the blotter was a small plastic evidence bag. Contained inside was something that could’ve been a patch of leather if it wasn’t far, far too pale. He picked it up gingerly and felt the slightly gelatinous consistence of the other side of it – this was relatively fresh. On the pale side of the patch was some sort of brand or marking, a dark circle inscribing a star with 13 points. Jackson kept his face impassive as he turned the bag over, and confirmed that the backside of the patch of leather-like material was, in fact, bloody and gory. He felt bile rise in his throat.

Daniels watched his face carefully as he set it back down, bloody side up. She had tried very hard not to let on how tired she was from this case. This was the eleventh murder of this type so far in the last two weeks, as far as anybody could tell. Forensics was still working around the clock to nail down a timetable. But the common thread was the murderer’s methods and these odd markings, and according to Jackson’s file, he might be able to shed some light on it. Besides, Allison Daniels had become a detective partially because she liked observing people. Some might call her a little voyeuristic in that way. But she simply had a knack for watching someone’s face or body language and knowing what they were thinking. It was how she’d known her last three boyfriends had been thinking of other women while in bed with her. Somehow, however, Jackson was inscrutable to her. He was like a dark statue. Not what she expected from a cut-rate private dick.

“Can’t help you,” he said, and sat back down. He steepled his fingers and stared at the small evidence bag and its grisly contents. Behind his jade eyes embers of a fire seemed to spark. He blinked heavily, with effort, as if trying to force something away from his conscious mind. Allison decided to take a chance and maybe pry out of him whatever he was hiding. She picked up the bag and thrust the circle-side in his face.

“You can’t shut me out,” she told him. “I’ve read your file, Jackson. I know the circles you used to travel in, all those years ago, before you dropped off the face of the earth only to wash up here, keeping yourself busy with the vices and hypocrisy of the rich. I know you used to be Deacon H-”

“Do not say that name!” Deacon bellowed, shooting to his feet, glaring at Allison. The power behind his voice, the sudden belligerence of his manner, the almost-eldritch fire in his emerald eyes, rooted the detective to the spot. They blinked at each other for a moment. Then, slowly, Deacon sat back down, reaching into his desk drawer for a fresh bottle of whiskey. “Those days are dead. My past is dead. You’re a homicide detective. But the case of my past is very, very cold. You won’t get anything out of it but trouble and nightmares.” He poured himself a glass, and downed it in one gulp, then looked at the evidence bag. “Where’d you find this?”

“Off the back of a 24-year-old woman on the other side of town,” Allison told him, wrenching her mind back to the case at hand rather than dwelling on the dour look on his face or the way his eyes seemed so haunted. Something about this whole business had spooked him. “Evidence showed signs of a struggle.” She handed him a sheaf of photos. “Those markings on her wrists and ankles are consistent with razor wire, according to forensics. She wasn’t gagged – wherever it happened, she was probably screaming. They branded her in 12 other places, carved this off of her back between her shoulder blades, and killed her with a single stab wound on the corresponding side of her chest. Forensics found no fibers in the wound so she was naked at the time. It all points towards some sort of…”

“Ritual,” Deacon finished, in that same dark voice. His eyes danced over the photos, and Allison studied his face. There seemed to be a conflict inside of him. As if part of him recognized what was happening, and wanted to help, but the other part of him was too scared to admit it and was pulling away. Either way, he knew something, and it could be crucial to this case. She had to hold back a flood of questions in her mind. Would there be more murders? What sort of religion was being practiced here? And why was a man who had no trouble giving information to rich, influential people that might kill their spouses and get away with it so afraid of what he was seeing? Finally, he handed her the photos back.

“What do you want from me?” he asked her.

“Help,” she replied frankly. “We’re baffled. There have been 10 other victims like this and I finally have gotten a chance to see one fresh. Normally we don’t find them for days.”

Deacon just nodded. He poured himself another drink.

“Well? Can you help me?”

He didn’t respond. She leaned towards him. His eyes did not go to the tempting view down her half-open blouse nor to her sky-blue eyes framed by wayward brown curls that had escaped the bun held on the back of her head by a pair of black lacquered pins. He simply stared into his lowball glass as if it held all the answers in the universe. She was watching him very closely now, and he was choosing his words carefully. She could see it in his face. He was making a big decision, at least for him.

“I don’t want any part of this,” he said at length. His green eyes finally swept up towards her. “And neither do you. If you’re as smart as I know you are, Detective, you’ll drop this case, pack up, and leave town tonight. Right now.” He plucked one of the photos seemingly at random out of the stack she held and dropped it on the desk. It showed one of the victim’s wrists, and his finger stabbed a chalk line on the floor. “That wasn’t from the outline. If you go back to the crime scene and lift the carpet there’s a lot more chalk there. And you’ll probably find gunpowder scattered around the place, too, and this black burn mark wasn’t there when the tenant moved in, I guarantee it. You don’t want to know what it all means. Your mind isn’t ready. It may never be ready. You don’t want it to be ready. Get out of my office, get out of my town, get out of my life, and take this shit with you.”

She looked at him as he sat back down, feeling genuinely hurt at his words. Something about his manner told her that he wasn’t just being a dick for the sake of being a dick, there was something going on that was truly terrifying to him and he was doing this to try and protect her. She sighed, straightened, and gathered up her evidence.

“I may be back to consult with you again,” she said flatly, like a traffic cop telling a speeder they were getting a ticket. Deacon shrugged.

“I’ll be consulting your Uncle Jack, Detective Daniels,” he replied ruefully, and raised his lowball glass to her before draining it’s contents. She walked out and slammed the door behind her. Deacon sat for a long silent moment. Then, he leaned forward and grabbed a pen from his desk and a notepad. He drew the circle and the star within it perfectly, and searched his memory for a moment. The patch of skin’s brand had born one more feature Allison hadn’t pointed out: 11 fine dots, like pinpricks, on the outside of the circle. He had seen this before. His skin burned and his perceptions drew dark. He had the sinking feeling in his gut that he was right, and knew exactly what was going on. The question was why.

He leaned back and wracked his brain. His green eyes focused on the ceiling fan as it lazily sliced and circulated the air over and over. He had only brushed against this symbol, this knowledge, a few times in the dozen years since that fateful night. He closed his eyes and could still remember vividly, as if it had just happened: the palpable anticipation, his friends and him chanting, the smoldering magma-like eyes as they drank him in, the soft velvety laugh caressing his ears and wrapping around him like something about to consume him in a single, warm, sticky moment…

His eyes snapped open. He’d have to tell Allison. It was time to blow the dust off his police scanner… and shave.

But first, he’d finish the bottle he’d just opened. No sense in leaving it unattended now that’d he’d gone to the trouble of pouring a drink for himself. Besides, it might be the last chance he got.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

The flashes hurt Allison’s eyes. They always did. She had been diagnosed with minor epilepsy, and was on medication for it, but she still got a little edgy around flashbulbs. Ever since her father had shown her his prize possession, the M-16 he’d carried through two tours of Vietnam, firing on fully automatic, bright flashes of light had caused her to convulse herself into unconsciousness. It’s why she carried a revolver as opposed to one of the newer automatic sidearms; that, and she liked the weight and feel of her old Colt .357 Trooper, the first gun she’d ever herself fired. It’d stuck with her through ten years of dedicated police service. But this was the first time she’d dealt with a serial crime of this magnitude. She turned away from the CSI photographer and looked over the scene.

Tonight’s victim, David Stratham, was 25 years old, male, a stockbroker and had no prior arrest record, unlike the previous night’s former juvenile delinquent trying to go straight. Like the previous victim, he’d been tied down with razor wire – to his own kitchen table, no less, after a black velvet tablecloth had been laid down. The struggle had been intense, with sprays of blood along the walls and ceiling. Like the other eleven victims, Dave’d been branded, but this time there were 12 burns instead of eleven. And again, the 12th brand had been torn off his skin. Wearing latex gloves, Allison gingerly tipped the body onto one side and examined the red and raw-looking patch just over his spine between his shoulder blades. About a quarter of an inch of flesh overall was missing. The wayward skin had laid over the fatal wound, presumably after he’d bled to death. Again, with the lack of cloth fibers anywhere on or in the body, David had been naked when he’d died. And the tools that had been used on him, from the razor wire to whatever blades had cut away his skin and stabbed him in the heart, had been very sharp.

He died naked, screaming, and afraid, Allison thought with a shudder. She flipped through her small notebook and the notes she’d scribbled about their other victims. They’d been left in other places – dumpsters, behind buildings, one in the backseat of a parked car. This one had been killed in his home. That didn’t make sense. Was the killer (or killers) growing more desperate? Was the insanity deepening?

“Not sure what to make of it, Detective,” said one of the guys from CSI. “Still don’t know what all this chalk is doing on the floor.”

“Is it like last night?” she asked. After her abortive attempt to enlist Jackson, she’d gone back and, sure enough, had found more chalk lines and scribbles under the carpeting, along with burn marks and trace amounts of gunpowder.

“Sort of,” the CSI expert replied. “Still only bits and pieces, nothing really coherent. And we have no idea what the gunpowder has to do with anything.”

“That’s because everything important was obliterated long before you found the poor bastard,” came a voice behind Allison. “They’re laughing at you.”

She turned, surprised, to find Deacon Jackson smirking ruefully at her. He was clean-shaven and better-dressed, in a dark button-down shirt, white tie, and soft leather coat. He stepped past her with a nod and examined the scene. She cleared her throat, reminding herself that she was this was her case. She’d taken it over from the guy they’d transferred upstate and it was hers.

“Nice to see you sober,” she quipped, but he ignored her. He knelt by the body and pulled on a pair of latex gloves. Turning the victim’s arm towards him slowly, he looked at the underside of the wrist, at one of the brands which had been made near where the razor wire had held the man down. One of the CSI workers was about to protest when Allison held up her hand and shook her head at him.

“What is it, Deacon?” she asked quietly, not wanting to disturb the man since he’d showed up of his own free will, and apparently with no prompting or even foreknowledge of where the murder had taken place. He seemed not to hear her, running white-gloved fingers over the brand. He leaned over and reached out, taking the black velvet tablecloth between his fingers and nodded to himself a little. Then he stood and fixed his emerald gaze on her.

“He’s 25 years old, right?” he asked pointedly, and Allison blinked at him.

“Yes… er… how did you know that?” managed one of the CSI workers. Deacon made a face and looked at the floorboards, running the toe of his boot over the chalk lines they’d discovered. The CSI geeks flushed and began to protest when the private investigator held up his hand.

“Like I said,” he began, “the killers obliterated anything useful before you arrived. They knew you’d find the body. They wanted you to. They know you’ve been on their trail and they’re beginning to play on your fear. They believe it gives them power.”

“They?” Allison asked. He looked at her and nodded.

“There are 13 of them.”

The room was silent. Deacon continued.

“More than likely, two of them doing most of the directing. Masterminds, if you will. The other 11 are likely pliable young people just looking to fit in, or got into it thinking this stuff was cool and ended up brainwashed. They’re probably made to do most of the dirty work. But one of the two – probably the male – delivers the sacrificial blow as the female holds him down. That’s how it’s usually done.”

“You sound like you speak from experience,” Allison said quietly. Deacon said nothing, but headed for the door. Allison blinked.

“I’m sorry,” she began, but he held up his hand.

“Carry on with investigating the scene but I doubt you’ll turn much more up. Detective Daniels, I want you to meet me at the library around the corner from my office at noon tomorrow. There’s something I need to show you.”

He was gone. Allison just stared at the open door for a moment, then shook her head and got back to work. She had a lot to do if she was going to get up in time to meet him.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

It was raining as Allison Daniels ran up the steps into the modest library. Traffic had been light but she’d woken up late, exhausted from comparing notes on the 12 victims so far. Deacon was waiting for her, looking much like he had the night before as if the passage of the last few hours hadn’t touched him. He was awake, alert, and watching her every movement.

“You’re late,” he finally said, and she nodded, shaking water out of her curls.

“I know, I’m sorry,” she replied, “but I noticed something. Deacon, the first victim was a 14-year-old girl. Next, a 15-year-old boy. Then a 16-year-old girl. And so on and so forth until the 25-year-old man last night. This has been going on for two weeks. You know something, and you need to tell me.”

He turned on his heel and headed into the library. She followed him, resisting the urge to grab him by the shoulder, spin him around and punch him in that smug expression until he coughed it up. But he lead her over to a book stand on which a huge, old-looking tome had been placed. The cover was black and looked like leather, and a pentagram had been embossed into it. Deacon touched it gently, then touched the clasps. They sprang open of their own accord and he gingerly opened the book. He seemed to be coaxing the pages rather than turning them. The library had gone eerily quiet and Allison had to suppress a shiver as it felt like something cold slithered down her spine.

“You’re looking for the Circle of 13 Shadows,” he told her, having stopped the book’s pages at a woodcutting illustration of thirteen figures in cloaks on their knees bowing down before an old-fashioned depiction of Satan. “They are an old society that hasn’t existed since the days of the Spanish Inquisition. One of the few good things the Inquisition did was destroy 12 of the Circle’s members at the time.” He sneered as he turned a page. “But always in light can one find darkness. The last member managed to convert the Inquisitor that found her – seduced him out of his vow of chastity, no less – and since then the circle has been very small and very quiet. Even the rest of the infernal society shuns the Circle, if they can, but their power can be undeniable if the Circle is complete and its rituals properly carried out.” He looked at her. “You’ve been witness to one of those rituals, Detective. The Circle of 13 Shadows has been very busy lately.”

“What are they doing?” she asked. “Do you know?”

He nodded, coaxing the pages again. She watched the way his fingers moved over the pages, gently, almost lovingly. Another shiver coursed through her body and it was as if she felt those fingers on her spine, her ribs, his breath wafting down the back of her neck, and something inside of her uncurled itself and growled a feral purr. She was suddenly and acutely aware of a growing moisture between her legs, and did her best to suppress the urge to pounce the man looking through the ancient book of forbidden lore.

“By the way,” he said quietly, “what you’re feeling is the ambient energy of this book. It was co-written by a succubus named J’z’bel, a baroness of Hell. Part of her… essence… is within it. Few people can touch it without immediately being compelled to touch themselves. Demons like J’z’bel believe that people’s lusts are the most effective weapons to use against them. It’ll pass. Think of your grandmother naked on a cold night.”

Allison’s eyes suddenly focused on Deacon’s face, and she laughed, aware that she was blushing. He managed a smile as he glanced at her, then his eyes turned to the book again and his fingers stopped. He pointed to a passage.

“Here,” he said. “‘Behold, and there shall be a great darkness. The Circle of Thirteen will be complete and the teeming streets will be tarnished with sins innumerable. The law shall be overthrown and sacrificed on the altar of chaos. Then shall the infernal be among the material and the reign of Hell on Earth shall begin. The Morningstar shall burn away the impurity of the world and all of the legions of Hell will join the gladly converted on the face of the Earth until the forces of Heaven can no longer resist the true destiny of the Dark Father, whom YHWH cast into Hell for seeking to prove his superiority.’”

Allison blinked. “This is… talking about Satan?”

Deacon nodded. “In shorthand, yes. It’s talking about Lucifer coming to Earth and damning the entire world to bring more troops to his cause of making war on God.” He coaxed a few more pages to turn and pointed. Allison moved closer and peered down at the book. A series of 13 symbols was on the page, each of them a circle inscribing the 13-pointed star, and she could clearly see each had a series of dots around it.

“Part of the ritual depicted here requires these symbols. Look familiar?” he asked. She nodded, knowing them as the brands on the 12 previous victims. “The Circle of Thirteen has seen this. And they’re putting something terrible together in the name of Lucifer.”

As if on cue, the clock chimed gently, just once. Allison spun, surprised by the sound. The library was empty, other than her and Deacon. Though she thought she saw something in the shadows. Her hand went to her sidearm and she narrowed her eyes.

“Deacon…” she whispered. She heard the book slam shut, and she was certain she heard a soft hiss immediately afterwards, like a cat that had been deprived of a bowl of cream. Deacon also produced a gun and was looking into the shadows. The private eye and the detective moved slowly towards the exit, coming back to back. At the circulation desk they turned to look at one another and their eyes met for just a moment.

That’s when the Book of J’z’bel flew out of nowhere and struck Deacon in the side of the head. He immediately dropped. Dark figured leapt out of nowhere and tackled Allison to the ground. One of them laid their entire body on the arm holding the gun while another stepped on her fingers. Through the pain and thrashing, pieces fell into horrific place for Allison. One o’clock was the thirteenth hour of the day. She was 26, female, and an upholder of the law. And the law shall be overthrown and sacrificed on the alter of chaos, she remembered with horror as the chloroform was pressed to her face.

Watch LOST? Good. Now, get lost.

I HAVE FURY!

I really like the work of JJ Abrams. I’ve seen bits and pieces of his TV show LOST and I’ve liked what I’ve seen. I like that it makes people think, posits difficult questions to both its characters and the audience, and has a bit of an old-fashioned serial feel to it. I dig all of that.

The show ended last night, and people for the most part like how it ended. They like that it still provoked thought at the end. And they laugh at people who are pissed off because it’s over but it’s still making people’s brains hurt when they try to use them. I dig that, too.

But everywhere I turn, people are blathering on about LOST, and it’s kind of pissing me off.

My wife’s never seen it. I missed the first year or two. So, we’ll be going back and starting from the beginning. That means I’d like to avoid spoilers. Which, in turn, means I need to avoid 90% of the blogs, feeds and Facepages I tend to visit. It’s also irritating because there are interesting conversations going on in which I can’t participate because I have no frame of reference. And by the time I am up to speed, none of my points will be particularly relevant.

I know, that’s pretty much true of any damn review I do on this blog, but I’m still miffed about this, dammit.

It could just be residual anger over the issues I’m having trying to get World of Warcraft working on my Linux laptop. Just because you can install Linux on just about anything doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll work. It’s so close, I’m either going to sort out this last little bug or I’ll have to break down and find a way to install a stable copy of Windows on a different partition through a USB key.

Oh, and there’s still unpacking to do in the new flat, at least one load of laundry needs to get done so there are clean teatowels to tackle the ever-growing stack of dishes in the sink, and my older sister’s wall map and an old monitor linger at the old place.

And that’s not even touching my dayjob workload or my desire to finish the novel in the next couple of weeks or so.

Good times. Happy Monday, everybody!

Maschine Zeit: “I’m gay for Twain.”

Courtesy Machine Age Productions

In Filamena‘s Maschine Zeit game, I’ve put together a completely manic and caustic combination of Hunter S. Thompson and Spider Jerusalem. One of the groups in the game, the Independent Media, operates under the collective moniker of “S.L. Clemins” as a measure of protection. This guy, though? Don’t go in for that.

(Warning: adult language incoming.)

Spoiler

You want to know about the stations? Let me tell you about the stations. They’re the gift that keeps on giving. Earth has an overpopulation problem? Build stations & fill them with warm human bodies. Gamma-ray burst blow across the planet without making anybody Hulk out? Say the stations protected people and thus justified the investment of money and blood required to put them up. Still having energy problems? Stations have magic metal that’ll fix it. Ghost hunters running out of prisons and castles? Hey, the stations have ghosts too!

As far as I’m concerned, the stations are, have been and always will be so many tons of next-generation bullshit at the end of really, really long tethers. It’s the only reason they haven’t stinking up the planet.

I mean, yeah, we had to get some people off of the surface. We had way too many people and way too little usable space & consumable resources. Of course none of the old methods would go over that well with most governments. You ever try pitching the idea of putting a bunch of people from a given nationality or ethnicity into a little room and filling it with gas, for example? They’d tell you to go fuck yourself, and rightly so. For one thing, gunning people down’s a lot more fun.

What it boils down to is that everything about the stations is a lie. “This will solve the overpopulation problem.” They didn’t. “They’re completely safe.” Well, obviously they fucking aren’t. And now we’re to believe there’s magic metal up there and that it’s protected by ghosts? I’m as inclined to believe that as I am that the reason the stations came to be in the first place was a natural occurrence.

Basic premise of the world, folks: Everybody’s full of shit. I’m full of shit, you’re full of shit, and the corporate goons who sent all those good people to die up there are definitely full of shit. Maybe there really are ghosts on the stations. Maybe it’s one hell of a mass hallucination. Either way, it’s something I won’t buy stock in unless I get to see it myself. Not that I’ve got any chance of that. My last four steady jobs all ended because people who once considered themselves sponsors of mine, if not employers, did something embarrassing, tried to cover it up and got fucked over a cactus because they insisted on hiding it from one of the most annoying and thorough investigative journalists who ever stuck a cigarette in his shit-spewer and asked the hard fucking questions: Me.

I’m willing to entertain any theory about what’s happening up there, how things got up there and what the future holds. Just don’t throw a fucking hissy fit when I point out how illogical, unsubstantiated or thoroughly retarded your theory might be. Throw ’em at me, Internet, and I’ll knock ’em out of the park and when they break your mom’s window I’ll do more than go in there after it. If you get my meaning. And I’m sure you do.

By the way, guys, it’s “Clemens.” Samuel Langhorne fucking Clemens. Sure, all of you can be friends with this ‘Clemins’ guy, but me? I’m Samuel Langhorne fucking Clemens’ secret gay lover. And he really hates people misspelling his name. I really respect the work he’s done. The work you all have been doing? Eh, it’s hit or miss.

You’ll be hearing more from me, especially if you folks have the balls to throw ideas my way. You’ve got nothing to be afraid of, unless you’re afraid of me fucking you in the ass. I mean, if you’re all S.L. Clemins, you’re close enough for my tastes, and let me assure you, I’m very, very gay for Twain.

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! Jumper

This week’s IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! brought to you by a generous donation by Amanda d’Adesky. Thank you for your support!

Logo courtesy Netflix.  No logos were harmed in the creation of this banner.

[audio:http://www.blueinkalchemy.com/uploads/jumper.mp3]

Jumper is an existential treatise on the nature of the conjectural power of teleportation. The schizophrenic, random nature of the story is paired with a tendency towards awkward shot composition, layered with somewhat passable CGI to create an experience not unlike the one an individual would have if they did, in fact, discover they had the aforementioned power. It’s a breathtaking overarching statement on the nature of human existence that…

Wait a second, no. No, that wasn’t intentional. This flick is just a mess.

Courtesy Twentieth Century Fox
Get used to shots like this – they try to justify the whole film’s existence.

Jumper introduces us to young David Rice, a 15-year-old kid with a crush on a girl and problems with a bully. His halting attempt to chat up his would-be paramour has the bully acting the way bullies do, and David ends up under an iced-up lake staring down an early grave. He jumps – that is to say, teleports – into the local library, soaking wet and very confused. He learns to control his power and does what I think any 15-year-old would do: robs a couple of banks to pick up awesome toys and eventually settles into a swank pad. Apparently his jumping ability also gives him the power to grow up looking like Hayden Christensen. Eventually, however, the fun comes to an end when a group of quasi-religious para-governmental hunters called Paladins, lead by a white-haired Samuel L. Jackson as ‘Roland’, come looking for David. Are they mad that he’s robbing banks? Do they want to harness his power for their own ends? No – they just want him dead because “only God should have this power.”

Don’t worry, any potential religious fanaticism on the part of the Paladins or cool young adult rebellion courtesy of the Jumpers is completely undermined and utterly without teeth, since Jumper is way too busy trying to look cool. The supernatural nature of the protagonist’s ability is simply a vehicle to take the camera from one exotic location to another. Now, as a method for promoting travel, Jumper works. I wouldn’t mind seeing Rome or Egypt or Tokyo myself someday. But I wouldn’t want to go with the guy we’re supposed to be rooting for in this film.

Courtesy Twentieth Century Fox
‘Rachel, I know you might be talented, but people are here to see us make out.’

There are two problems with him. Blame for the first falls on Hayden Christensen. It could have been assumed, in the wake of the atrocious Star Wars prequels, that the portrayal of Anakin Skywalker, supposedly one of the greatest and most virtuous Jedi before his tragic fall from grace, as a selfish emotionless wooden childish dunce was less the fault of Hayden and more that of writer/director/creator/deity/nutjob George Lucas. Seeing Jumper, however, it seems that David & Anakin are completely interchangeable. Both of these characters are uninvested in the lives of others, completely without strong emotion or drive and do nothing to connect with the audience. This problem is underscored heavily within the first fucking minute of the movie with David actually narrating for us, describing his experiences rather than showing us and letting us figure it out on our own. And he calls the audience ‘chumps’. This kind of thing worked in ‘Wanted,’ but it doesn’t work here. Of course if I’d paid for a cinema ticket, I’d feel very chumpish indeed, sitting there in the dark picking metaphorical splinters out of my ear.

If I could digress for a moment: Mark Meer, voice actor for the male Shepard player character in Mass Effect has been called somewhat unemotive in comparison to his female counterpart, Jennifer Hale. The opening narration of Jumper by Christensen is so bland, wooden and lacking in life that Mark Meer’s voice acting seems downright bombastic in comparison. Interchangeable as the characters of David and Anakin might seem, though, David is clearly more of a deliberate delinquent rather than pretending to be a guardian of truth and justice, which leads us to our second problem, a problem I shall illustrate by quoting fellow critic Confused Matthew.

Say Hello to Confused Matthew

“Our supposed hero and protagonist is an asshole. I mean he doesn’t listen to anybody, he’s not very nice, he treats everyone around him like shit and he only ever thinks about himself!”

This is the exact same thing Matthew says about Anakin Skywalker in the second two Star Wars prequel films. He also says it about young Simba in The Lion King, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is, Hayden’s portrayal of David raises one of Jumper‘s many questions: Other than taking a little delight in agreeing that robbing a bank without chance of normal authorities catching you sounds like fun, how are we supposed to empathize with, cheer for or even like this smug, arrogant, womanizing, selfish jerkass?

Jumper‘s questions are not the kind posed by films intended to raise them during the narrative (“Who is Keyser Söze?” for example) or as a result of the narrative’s themes (“Is the HAL 9000 a computer or a living being?”). They’re problematic questions, areas of weakness in the movie’s premise, plot and pacing. Why does the Jumpers’ ability sometimes cause massive structural damage and sometimes not? Even when just jumping himself, David sometimes breaks walls or causes ceilings to collapse, and other times he just bamfs from one side of the couch to the other without so much as jostling a cushion. Also, why do Jumpers engage in short-range combat? You’d think that with the ability to teleport any distance to any location at any time, any Jumper worth their salt wouldn’t stick around long enough to get involved in a punch-up. If you had this ability – okay, if I had this ability, and a Paladin was en route to tase me into submission before gutting me like a fish, my plan would be to jump right behind him, grab him by the shoulders, jump 30000 feet straight up, let go of the Paladin and jump back to the ground. Unless parachutes are standard issue equipment for them, that Paladin’s going to have a very bad day, and even if he does have a parachute, by the time he touches down I’d be halfway around the world. The character of Griffin does get a little creative with his ability here and there, including a scene with a sports car that’s one of the few spots in the movie where I found I was enjoying myself, but for the most part the Jumpers seem incapable of directly fleeing the Paladins or dealing with them in guerrilla-style warfare. Maybe they’re just in awe at the sight of Roland’s ridiculously white hair.

Also, why the fuck was Big Ben chiming the hour when it was clearly showing only half-past?

Courtesy Twentieth Century Fox
He’s just as upset about that hairdo as I am. Seriously, guys, what the fuck?

I didn’t think Jumper could get any worse. And then, at the very end, Kristen Stewart appears. Now, it’s not her fault that the Twilight “saga” is the way it is. I didn’t get mad when I saw her, I honestly felt sorry for her. Jamie Bell & Rachel Bilson may be the standouts in this exercise in random trendy blandness, but theirs isn’t the only potential going to waste. You can almost feel Kristen’s inevitable backslide into paper-thin contrived super-stardom, and there’s something tragic about that, because when she was getting started as an actress there was potential there that I fear Stephenie Meyer might have strangled in the crib. Maybe I’m wrong and The Runaways will kick all kinds of ass. But I’m wandering off my point. Or maybe I’m jumping!

Remember Push? That film did everything Jumper does – angsty male lead, cool superpowers, exotic locales – but does it better and in a less random and confusing way. If you’re looking for something somewhat new and different in this genre, go watch Push. It’s intelligently written, directed without contrivance and the actors actually seem somewhat interested in what’s going on. Don’t watch Jumper. It’s an ill-conceived, poorly-executed mess. It adds nothing to the superpower action genre other than more evidence that Hayden Christensen is half Ent. The writing is poor, the acting is sub-par, the special effects induce yawns instead of excitement and the whole thing feels like a very cynical dollop of bland, generic action to placate the masses. At least when I play Halo, my hands occasionally tense up from holding down the fire button as I march Master Chief invincibly into incoming fire, which reminds me that I’m involved in something that’s supposed to be entertaining. Jumper requires nothing from the viewer, promises nothing and delivers nothing. It’s pretty much a waste of time, and if you were to jump anywhere, it should be far, far away from this movie.

Josh Loomis can’t always make it to the local megaplex, and thus must turn to alternative forms of cinematic entertainment. There might not be overpriced soda pop & over-buttered popcorn, and it’s unclear if this week’s film came in the mail or was delivered via the dark & mysterious tubes of the Internet. Only one thing is certain… IT CAME FROM NETFLIX.

Movie Review: Daybreakers

Courtesy Lionsgate

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve reviewed a current movie. I blame my job schedule and related finances. Anyway, when I got a couple of movie passes for Christmas, my wife and I debated what we’d go see. We settled on Daybreakers and, well, anything I say here is going to sound a lot like MovieBob’s review. But you know something? It’s so good it’s worth giving the “Go See This” treatment at least twice. The movie stars Ethan Hawke, Willem Dafoe, Claudia Karvan, Michael Dorman, Isabel Lucas and Sam Neill.

Stuff I Didn’t Like

Courtesy Lionsgate
“Hmm, apparently if we extract sparkles and Dawson’s Creek romantic crap from the movie, it’ll be completely awesome!”

  • To be honest, Ethan Hawke’s character reminded me of Brad Pitt’s from Interview with a Vampire. Now, I know vampires are nothing new, and a reluctant vampire can easily shuffle the character into the ‘protagonist’ category, but I think he protested a bit too much. It didn’t really get to the point of annoyance, but it came close. Not necessarily a bad thing, per se, this is just my personal opinion.
  • I’m not sure why vampires explode when staked. My wife gives me crap for getting hung up on the fine details on vampirism when I should be more concerned about how blood-sucking fiends from beyond the grave even exist in the first place. I guess this is another personal fault, since I’ve worked with vampires quite a bit in a writing and gaming sense for many years. I mean when I’ve participated in vampire LARPs, nobody explodes when staked so I guess I’m sort of used to that. (Yes, I’ve LARPed in the past, shut up.)

Stuff I Liked

Courtesy Lionsgate
“Awesome, you say. Will it still appeal to the powerful and lucrative tween demographic? No? Then keep the sparkles in. This I command.”

  • There are so many little touches that remind you that these vampires are from the old school. They don’t cast reflections, they don’t have pulses and they have to inhale right before speaking since they don’t have to breathe. Their fangs are always out and their eyes are disconcerting unnatural colors. It’s a refreshing change from what we’ve had to deal with recently.
  • The metaphors on fuel shortage and the examples of corporate greed overwhelming the long-term benefits to humanity don’t overshadow the characterization or storytelling. They exist, they state their points and move on. Sort of like the Ethan Hawke/Brad Pitt parallel brushing the annoyance factor (again, in my opinion), the metaphors nudge but never quite mount the soapbox. They are good lessons that are well-presented, and like District 9, it’s nice to see an action genre flick that has something to say other than “HERE ARE SOME EFFECTS.”
  • I liked the degeneration of vampires into chiropteran monsters, and the varying reactions of the ‘refined’ vampires to the animalistic cannibals that were once friends or even family. As much as the vampires are themselves fiends, the different ways in which they deal with these unfortunates actually gives them a layer of humanity.

Stuff I Loved

Courtesy Lionsgate
“Look, friend, you better keep the sparkles outta my vampire flick, or so help me I will go completely Green Goblin on your ass.”

  • Sam Neill. I love the way he projects cold, objective creepiness in all of his scenes. He’s very much an old-school vampire, Dracula in a suit, uncompromising in the realization of his desires and ruthless in the execution of his will. He’s manipulative, he’s diabolic, and I adored every scene he was in.
  • Willem Dafoe. I don’t know if I need to say much more about the man, as he’s one of the most versatile and memorable character actors I’ve ever seen, and this performance is no exception. It’s almost like he and Sam are vying for the position of ‘most awesome character’ in this movie, and I think it’s just about a tie. I love his cars, too – I think my father owned a Firebird Trans Am at one point.
  • In spite of his reluctant vampire role in the first act, Ethan Hawke does a great job of giving us a main character with an arc we can follow and growth we can support. Again, my initial near-annoyance with his constant protestation wore off very quickly, and he’s one of the characters that show real humanity and depth. I have to admit I’m not terribly familiar with a lot of his work, and after seeing Daybreakers, I know I need to change that.
  • The pace of this film, and the tightness of its storytelling, are just about perfect. It doesn’t throw too many things at us at once so we lose track of what’s going on or what’s at stake, it takes the time to develop its characters just enough for us to care about them, it doesn’t skimp on the action or the gore, and it does all of this with the sparing use of special effects and a brevity that’s refreshing and compelling.
  • The scene in the shade of the tree where Ethan Hawke and Willem Dafoe meet for the first time was done so well I about giggled with glee. From the car’s automated warning about the UV level to Hawke all but dancing from one pool of shadow to the next, the scene was downright exceptional. I got the feeling he was in real danger, putting himself at extreme risk for the sake of something he believed in. This scene caused most of my initial annoyance at his character to evaporate, and from then on I was definitely rooting for him.

Bottom Line: I’m going to reiterate MovieBob’s sentiment: You should go see this. I know some people out there aren’t big fans of gore, which means they’re missing out on a great example of screenwriting, acting and direction. It’s paced perfectly, the story is packed expertly, every character has nuances and depth and the action ramps up towards the end to just the right pitch. If you can handle a good amount of on-screen blood, especially in the film’s third act, Daybreakers is a satisfying and rousing revival of the old-school vampire movie. It does everything right, doesn’t sell you short and will leave you wanting more. Go sink your metaphorical fangs into it. This is a badass movie, and it is definitely, definitely worth your time.

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